And with each mile
Nov. 13th, 2012 06:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teamzaylorCHAPTER 4 : INCEST - PHOBIA
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
Credits & many Thanks to: Honor @beyondthethorns
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
Sorry for the late update, here's the next chapter! :-)
By 2000 we weren’t really in the spotlight anymore, but for some reason there was paparazzi around. One guy. The concert was in LA, so maybe that was why. That place is crawling with asshole photographers. You’ve seen the photographs he took. Zac and I kissing, practically ripping each other’s clothes off as we climbed into the van. Those pictures changed our lives. We were thrown back into the spotlight as the fucked up Hanson boys who practiced …gay incest. The media freaked out. It was all over television. Unless you were living under a rock in 2000, then I’m sure you remember.”
She nodded. “It was all over MTV. I remember your video, If Only, was at number one all summer… until the pictures came out. Then it dropped off the countdown immediately. In one day.”
“Yeah. People don’t exactly like the thought of two brothers fucking each other. It killed our reputation. Even our more hardcore fans were turned off. They tried to act calm about it all, but they eventually found reasons to stop coming to concerts and stop buying records. A small group of fans stuck around, but that was about it.”
“What did your family say when they saw the pictures?”
“My dad didn’t say anything,” I laughed, but it was only a laugh to hide the pain that I felt about it all. “He just left… left for a good week to work everything out in his mind. It was probably for the best, because when he got back from his little holiday he talked to my mother and together they decided to send us both to therapy. We were seeing psychologists every other day- psychologists who tried to convince us that it wasn’t okay to date your brother. That was about it though. We were actually relieved. They didn’t yell at us or do anything about it, surprisingly. They did have a lot of talks with us… tried to discourage it. I remember my Mom trying to set us up on dates too with girls our age, not that anyone would have dated us anyway after those pictures. One time my father lost his temper because someone had approached him and questioned his parenting- wondered what he’d done to end up with such “fucked up sons”. We couldn’t do anywhere without people looking at us and thinking about those pictures. We were no longer Taylor and Zac. We just became those incestual Hanson brothers,” I chuckled. “Isaac got pretty fucked up though. He couldn’t look at us. Eventually he moved to New York City. He said he couldn’t live at home anymore- told my parents they were wrong for letting it continue.”
“They let you two stay together?”
“Yes and no,” I poked at my discarded biscotti and debated taking a bite of it but didn’t feel like pausing my story to. While the story usually felt like a chore, it felt good to be telling it. Zachary was the only thing on my mind since he’d arrived that evening in my dorm room. I needed to talk about him. “They didn’t tell us we couldn’t be together, because I don’t think they wanted us to hate them. They didn’t want to tear the family apart. But for instance, they never really let us be alone and shot us dirty looks if we sat too close watching TV. We weren’t stupid though. We didn’t flaunt our relationship. We continued to hide it from everyone, because it made them uncomfortable and we didn’t want to jeopardize being together. We didn’t want to tear the family up anymore than they did. There was an unwritten set of rules that we followed.”
We were quiet for a moment and I could see the wheels turning in Quinn’s mind. I guess it’s a lot to take in- the story of two brother’s falling in love. To me, it’s pretty normal at this point. When I was young I used to think I was so strange and screwed up. But as I’d grown and matured, I’d become adjusted to the idea that I loved Zac and that’s just the way it was. It hardly scared me anymore. It felt like any relationship to me.
“Keep going,” Quinn gave me a hesitant smile. “Did you two stay together?”
“For awhile. We stayed together for three months after those pictures were released to the public. But those three months were really hard. We both missed the band and blamed each other for the sexual escapades that night we were caught. Although Zac denies it, I am positive he was the one that suggested we go out to the rental car for some pre-show sex. We felt guilty about Isaac moving and could feel all the world looking at us like we were a freak show. According to most people, we were… freaks that is. It was hard to constantly be looked at like we were perverts or fucked up in the head. God, we loved each other so much, but things got tough and we started fighting all the time. By Christmas it was over. We lied to each other, told each other we had fallen out of love, and vowed to date other people. We even started saying that the whole thing was sick anyway, and the rest of the world was right. We decided we were fucked up in the head. My parents always tried to be really open-minded about the two of us, I think because my mother’s psychologist told her that we would only rebel against what they told us anyway. But I could tell when we broke up that my mom and dad were really relieved… they suddenly started being a lot warm to us again and seemed a lot happier.”
“Did your Mom keep trying to set you up with girls?” she smiled.
“Yeah,” I laughed. “But I wasn’t even sure if I was interested in guys and girls. I did start going on dates, with both girls and guys. I eventually decided girls did nothing for me. I just didn’t find them remotely attractive.”
“Hey!” She laughed.
“Sorry,” I blushed. “But… I’m sure you don’t find women attractive either, so you probably understand where I’m coming from.”
“I get it.”
“Zachary didn’t have much trouble dating people. I mean, obviously a lot of girls wouldn’t go near him after those pictures. We never did deny our relationship. We were always honest about it, so whenever people asked us if those kissing pictures really were real, we just told them the truth. What else could we say? We were caught red-handed…” I said, and then remembered back to how many girls Zac was able to pick up that year that we were first separated. I remember how jealous it had made me. “For every girl that pushed Zac away, there was a new girl chasing him. He slept around with guys and girls, like me, trying to figure out which sex he fancied I guess.”
She frowned. “So what is going on between the two of you now? How do you not know how the relationship is defined?”
“Well… because we haven’t really talked about it. When I decided to come to Europe this fall, Zachary freaked out. We haven’t been together in two years… two fucking years. We’ve been brothers, and we’ve been friends, but we haven’t been together in what feels like decades… but when I told my entire family that I was doing this study abroad program for my first semester at college, Zachary flipped out. He started screaming right there at the restaurant… we were out to dinner celebrating my sister’s birthday. He said I couldn’t go- he wouldn’t forgive me if I left. But I had to leave. I needed to leave for myself… needed to get away from the brother that I loved too much for my own good- from the condemnation I was always receiving in America. He didn’t understand. Zac has terrible timing, because the day before I left for England he came into my room and told me he couldn’t live without me, he still loved me, and I couldn’t leave him.”
Her eyes were wide by then as I told my story. “Wow.”
“But I did. He was fucking pissed off when I told him that I was leaving. I offered for him to drive me to the airport, but he didn’t want to. He said he refused to support my escape route- claimed that I was running away from him. I’m not running away from him. I’m just taking a break.”
“So why is he here? Why did he unexpectedly arrive in London today if he was pissed at you?”
“We started talking… when I arrived in London he started calling me everyday, telling me home wasn’t the same without me. I’ve only been here in England for a month, since this program started, but Zac has called me every damn night. We talk until five in the morning most nights.
I never get any sleep because hearing his voice is too addicting. When we’re not the phone, we’re sending emails. Long, mushy emails. It’s strange. It took me moving across seas, far away from him, for us to connect again. I don’t know what to think right now. I don’t know what to call us. I just know that he’s here and we have a lot to sort out.”
“You should write a book,” she smiled, sitting back in the chair and shaking her head in awe. “That is some story. You’re not ashamed…?”
“Ashamed?” I frowned.
“Ashamed of loving your brother?”
“Should I be?” I arched an eyebrow at her, testing her level of homophobia or… heh, incest-phobia. I hate that word- incest. It has such a dirty connotation to it, when Zac's and my relationship is pure and loving- not gross like people assume it is.
“A lot of people would be,” she played it safe.
I shook my head. “No. Like I said, you don’t choose who you fall in love with. So we’re not conventional. I’d never want to be conventional anyway. Life would be too boring. I used to be ashamed, but I’m not anymore. Zachary isn’t either. I think he’s actually… proud... sometimes. Sometimes he's not. I don't know. It's hard to explain. I guess it's not very black and white.”
“You still love him though…? You really truly love him?”
I sighed. Unfortunately, I did. God, Zac was such a hard person to love. Zac was good to me. In fact, he treated me like a fucking queen, and no, that is not a gay joke. But Zac is prickly… jaded on the outside. He’s dramatic, stubborn, and well, he’s my brother. There were times I prayed to a God I didn’t really believe in, prayed that I could get over Zac and move on… maybe even learn to be attracted to women. The problem was, I wasn’t attracted to women and I wasn’t really attracted to men. I was attracted to Zac. He was the only person I could picture myself with. He was the only person I needed.
“Taylor?” she probed.
“Huh?”
“Do you love him?”
“Yeah,” I sighed after a moment of picturing his face. I couldn’t help but smile. “I love him a lot.”
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
Credits & many Thanks to: Honor @beyondthethorns
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
Sorry for the late update, here's the next chapter! :-)
By 2000 we weren’t really in the spotlight anymore, but for some reason there was paparazzi around. One guy. The concert was in LA, so maybe that was why. That place is crawling with asshole photographers. You’ve seen the photographs he took. Zac and I kissing, practically ripping each other’s clothes off as we climbed into the van. Those pictures changed our lives. We were thrown back into the spotlight as the fucked up Hanson boys who practiced …gay incest. The media freaked out. It was all over television. Unless you were living under a rock in 2000, then I’m sure you remember.”
She nodded. “It was all over MTV. I remember your video, If Only, was at number one all summer… until the pictures came out. Then it dropped off the countdown immediately. In one day.”
“Yeah. People don’t exactly like the thought of two brothers fucking each other. It killed our reputation. Even our more hardcore fans were turned off. They tried to act calm about it all, but they eventually found reasons to stop coming to concerts and stop buying records. A small group of fans stuck around, but that was about it.”
“What did your family say when they saw the pictures?”
“My dad didn’t say anything,” I laughed, but it was only a laugh to hide the pain that I felt about it all. “He just left… left for a good week to work everything out in his mind. It was probably for the best, because when he got back from his little holiday he talked to my mother and together they decided to send us both to therapy. We were seeing psychologists every other day- psychologists who tried to convince us that it wasn’t okay to date your brother. That was about it though. We were actually relieved. They didn’t yell at us or do anything about it, surprisingly. They did have a lot of talks with us… tried to discourage it. I remember my Mom trying to set us up on dates too with girls our age, not that anyone would have dated us anyway after those pictures. One time my father lost his temper because someone had approached him and questioned his parenting- wondered what he’d done to end up with such “fucked up sons”. We couldn’t do anywhere without people looking at us and thinking about those pictures. We were no longer Taylor and Zac. We just became those incestual Hanson brothers,” I chuckled. “Isaac got pretty fucked up though. He couldn’t look at us. Eventually he moved to New York City. He said he couldn’t live at home anymore- told my parents they were wrong for letting it continue.”
“They let you two stay together?”
“Yes and no,” I poked at my discarded biscotti and debated taking a bite of it but didn’t feel like pausing my story to. While the story usually felt like a chore, it felt good to be telling it. Zachary was the only thing on my mind since he’d arrived that evening in my dorm room. I needed to talk about him. “They didn’t tell us we couldn’t be together, because I don’t think they wanted us to hate them. They didn’t want to tear the family apart. But for instance, they never really let us be alone and shot us dirty looks if we sat too close watching TV. We weren’t stupid though. We didn’t flaunt our relationship. We continued to hide it from everyone, because it made them uncomfortable and we didn’t want to jeopardize being together. We didn’t want to tear the family up anymore than they did. There was an unwritten set of rules that we followed.”
We were quiet for a moment and I could see the wheels turning in Quinn’s mind. I guess it’s a lot to take in- the story of two brother’s falling in love. To me, it’s pretty normal at this point. When I was young I used to think I was so strange and screwed up. But as I’d grown and matured, I’d become adjusted to the idea that I loved Zac and that’s just the way it was. It hardly scared me anymore. It felt like any relationship to me.
“Keep going,” Quinn gave me a hesitant smile. “Did you two stay together?”
“For awhile. We stayed together for three months after those pictures were released to the public. But those three months were really hard. We both missed the band and blamed each other for the sexual escapades that night we were caught. Although Zac denies it, I am positive he was the one that suggested we go out to the rental car for some pre-show sex. We felt guilty about Isaac moving and could feel all the world looking at us like we were a freak show. According to most people, we were… freaks that is. It was hard to constantly be looked at like we were perverts or fucked up in the head. God, we loved each other so much, but things got tough and we started fighting all the time. By Christmas it was over. We lied to each other, told each other we had fallen out of love, and vowed to date other people. We even started saying that the whole thing was sick anyway, and the rest of the world was right. We decided we were fucked up in the head. My parents always tried to be really open-minded about the two of us, I think because my mother’s psychologist told her that we would only rebel against what they told us anyway. But I could tell when we broke up that my mom and dad were really relieved… they suddenly started being a lot warm to us again and seemed a lot happier.”
“Did your Mom keep trying to set you up with girls?” she smiled.
“Yeah,” I laughed. “But I wasn’t even sure if I was interested in guys and girls. I did start going on dates, with both girls and guys. I eventually decided girls did nothing for me. I just didn’t find them remotely attractive.”
“Hey!” She laughed.
“Sorry,” I blushed. “But… I’m sure you don’t find women attractive either, so you probably understand where I’m coming from.”
“I get it.”
“Zachary didn’t have much trouble dating people. I mean, obviously a lot of girls wouldn’t go near him after those pictures. We never did deny our relationship. We were always honest about it, so whenever people asked us if those kissing pictures really were real, we just told them the truth. What else could we say? We were caught red-handed…” I said, and then remembered back to how many girls Zac was able to pick up that year that we were first separated. I remember how jealous it had made me. “For every girl that pushed Zac away, there was a new girl chasing him. He slept around with guys and girls, like me, trying to figure out which sex he fancied I guess.”
She frowned. “So what is going on between the two of you now? How do you not know how the relationship is defined?”
“Well… because we haven’t really talked about it. When I decided to come to Europe this fall, Zachary freaked out. We haven’t been together in two years… two fucking years. We’ve been brothers, and we’ve been friends, but we haven’t been together in what feels like decades… but when I told my entire family that I was doing this study abroad program for my first semester at college, Zachary flipped out. He started screaming right there at the restaurant… we were out to dinner celebrating my sister’s birthday. He said I couldn’t go- he wouldn’t forgive me if I left. But I had to leave. I needed to leave for myself… needed to get away from the brother that I loved too much for my own good- from the condemnation I was always receiving in America. He didn’t understand. Zac has terrible timing, because the day before I left for England he came into my room and told me he couldn’t live without me, he still loved me, and I couldn’t leave him.”
Her eyes were wide by then as I told my story. “Wow.”
“But I did. He was fucking pissed off when I told him that I was leaving. I offered for him to drive me to the airport, but he didn’t want to. He said he refused to support my escape route- claimed that I was running away from him. I’m not running away from him. I’m just taking a break.”
“So why is he here? Why did he unexpectedly arrive in London today if he was pissed at you?”
“We started talking… when I arrived in London he started calling me everyday, telling me home wasn’t the same without me. I’ve only been here in England for a month, since this program started, but Zac has called me every damn night. We talk until five in the morning most nights.
I never get any sleep because hearing his voice is too addicting. When we’re not the phone, we’re sending emails. Long, mushy emails. It’s strange. It took me moving across seas, far away from him, for us to connect again. I don’t know what to think right now. I don’t know what to call us. I just know that he’s here and we have a lot to sort out.”
“You should write a book,” she smiled, sitting back in the chair and shaking her head in awe. “That is some story. You’re not ashamed…?”
“Ashamed?” I frowned.
“Ashamed of loving your brother?”
“Should I be?” I arched an eyebrow at her, testing her level of homophobia or… heh, incest-phobia. I hate that word- incest. It has such a dirty connotation to it, when Zac's and my relationship is pure and loving- not gross like people assume it is.
“A lot of people would be,” she played it safe.
I shook my head. “No. Like I said, you don’t choose who you fall in love with. So we’re not conventional. I’d never want to be conventional anyway. Life would be too boring. I used to be ashamed, but I’m not anymore. Zachary isn’t either. I think he’s actually… proud... sometimes. Sometimes he's not. I don't know. It's hard to explain. I guess it's not very black and white.”
“You still love him though…? You really truly love him?”
I sighed. Unfortunately, I did. God, Zac was such a hard person to love. Zac was good to me. In fact, he treated me like a fucking queen, and no, that is not a gay joke. But Zac is prickly… jaded on the outside. He’s dramatic, stubborn, and well, he’s my brother. There were times I prayed to a God I didn’t really believe in, prayed that I could get over Zac and move on… maybe even learn to be attracted to women. The problem was, I wasn’t attracted to women and I wasn’t really attracted to men. I was attracted to Zac. He was the only person I could picture myself with. He was the only person I needed.
“Taylor?” she probed.
“Huh?”
“Do you love him?”
“Yeah,” I sighed after a moment of picturing his face. I couldn’t help but smile. “I love him a lot.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-11-14 12:59 am (UTC)And sorry, this is a bit late, but I fucking love your banner.... I've seen that picture many times before but seeing that every time you make an update is still awesome.... <3 <3 <3