The Bodyguard - Chapter 35
Apr. 20th, 2014 08:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teamzaylor
Title: THE BODYGUARD
Chapter: 35
Rating: Nc-17
POV: Blade (Zac)
Warnings: Language, Death, Crime
Chapter Overview: Link
About the Story: The death of their parents broke Taylor and Zac apart. Each of them went his own way of life, Taylor became a famous superstar and never thought that his profession would bring his life in danger someday. Blade (Zac) buried the past and lived his life contentedly in his dark and dirty world as a pimp. Because of some unexpected circumstances Blade got hired as Taylor's bodyguard and the brothers saw each other for the first time after almost a decade. How will they find a way to each other again after the past has built up thick walls between them?
Authors Notes: Update of Chapter 35. Here we go finally back to Blade's POV. Enjoy ♡
Excerpt: There were moments... moments when I used to blame everything and everyone… for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened. Used to blame everybody. Blamed Taylor, blamed the society, blamed God.
previous Chapter 34 next Chapter 36
Blade:
I spent half of the morning puking out the pizza from last night. I felt like the last piece of shit. It has been a while ago since emotions influenced me that much like they were doing now...
I didn't know how to deal with these emotions and on how to deal with Taylor's careful steps to get closer to me even though I made it more than clear that I wouldn't go back to my old life. He just didn't let go off me. It was sending me the same feelings of pain back that I hoped I'd never need to feel again.
Somehow, we had reached an impasse state, because apparently Taylor didn't want to accept the fact that he didn't exist for me anymore as a brother.
Taylor was not only looking for protection, he was also searching for sympathy and care about him, which I just couldn't give him. His blue eyes were sad whenever he looked at me.
They were longing for something that I couldn't provide him anymore. My anger at him for several years had gotten too much that I couldn't just drop it that easily.
Over the years in which Santiago and me experienced hundreds of people dying, I had learned to control and suppress my feelings, even in my life after the Army as a pimp were feelings inappropriate. That's why I didn't have any problems to work in this business, I was used to live a emotionless life either way.
My friendship with Santiago was the only light in my life in the shadows.
Maybe if Taylor didn't leave me nine years ago, my life would have taken a different course, maybe we were both different persons today. But with the loneliness I felt when I was just sixteen because of him... I couldn't forgive him... I just couldn't.
I've thought about Santiago's words and he was right that I was still hurt for what Taylor had done to me nine years ago.
It was a wound in me that could never heal completely. Even though I could bury my feelings and keep them inside of me, I was still hurt. I acted like I didn't care, but deep down it killed me.
I just didn't want to reopen the sores anymore for which I needed so many years to forget that they existed, but being with Taylor and his innocent air always pulled the shit out of me.
It would be so much easier for both of us if Taylor just would accept the fact that he didn't exist for me anymore. I felt that both of us were getting sick if this fucked up situation would continue.
Until today, he never told me why he left.
Instead of running away after the death of our parents, he could have stayed at home with me and considered the fact that he had a little brother who was as lost as him that time. And now, he was repeating the same fucking thing.
Instead of grieving, he chose the coward way and tried to get closer to me without even contemplating the fact that it was necessary to explain anything to me. I knew I didn't make it easy for him.
But how could I after so many years of his absence?
I figured he was too fucking guilty to have the strength to press the issue. Maybe, he became too used to his famous life as a superstar and fans which constantly licked his ass that he forgot how to apologize. Maybe he was so used to being pampered and given things, material as well as attention, that he thought he was above paying for such 'menial' things.
I didn't know. But whatever his reason was, it was Taylor's usual way of shredding off the hard reality. To shut down the remnants of pain, coz apparently, he always wanted to shield himself with distractions and pretended as if nothing bad had happened.
I was thinking back about last night and the weird feeling when I woke up. I was thinking about it over and over again. I was confused. And it was fucking unnerving.
Just like the usual nights, I had dreams about my past. Then I woke up…. I woke up feeling my brother’s fingers in my hand. How the fuck that happened?
Then I got suddenly aware of the situation, I put handcuffs to both of our wrists to make sure that he wouldn’t do anything harmful to himself as I slept.
To be near with my brother was never my intention, it was nothing personal, it was part of my safety measures on doing my job.
I perfectly understood how to feel all alone and depressed. Like in that time after Taylor left me. I stopped talking about how I felt because I knew no one cared anyway. It's sad to think that the majority of my teenage years I spent trying to survive instead of actually living.
When our parents died and Taylor left me all of a sudden, there was a time in which I thought of ending all the pain in such a way to not feel a thing anymore.
Depression is a war. You win or die trying.
The thought of death seemed to be an easy way of forgetting everything in a snap. I knew that suicide could be tempting when you were depressed and in so much pain. But that was at a time when I still hoped that Taylor would come back. I thought he wouldn't leave me alone forever.
I was an emotional wreck when I joined the Army.
Thankfully, Santiago was there to put new heart to me. So I decided to wait for Taylor. I wanted to be there for him when he would come back. But he didn't.
That's why my own grieving turned into hate as I realized he wouldn't come back.
If he could live alone then I could do the same damn thing. So instead of just grieving, I also started hating.
There were moments... moments when I used to blame everything and everyone... for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened. Used to blame everybody. Blamed Taylor, blamed the society, blamed God.
I've always felt hurt of losing people. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out who would feel hurt to lose me.
It's hard to see the truth about people you once loved.
Until the day came when anger had consumed all the good memories we had together. I welcomed it and began to live again without waiting for someone who would never come or show up.
Eventually, thanks to Santiago, I realized that it was the right decision to live my own life.
After seeing my brother’s suicidal tendency, I wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t dare to do anything stupid like that. Putting us in handcuffs was the least thing I could do last night to make sure that I was in control of the situation.
I almost couldn't believe it when I woke up this morning and felt his hand in my palm.
The feeling of his hand in mine was like a fucking joke.
With his behaviour, Taylor only hurt me even more. Coz I would be there for him anytime he needed me if he allowed us to be there for each other back then.
I just couldn't understand him.
How could he expect me to give him sympathy even though he didn't give it to me back then?
Eventually, it was his fucking turn to give me an explanation after all.
I felt that the past was coming back to us and I had to deal with the same shitty painful feelings I had when I was sixteen because of him. The questions I asked myself over and over again which were still unanswered.
Why didn't he care how hurt I am? Why didn't he give a damn about me? Was I not worth it? Why did he only have eyes for his own pain?
Was an apologize or at least an appreciation of my work for him too much to expect for after nine years of waiting?
Answers to those questions would at least make it easier to deal with this shit.
What the fuck was he waiting for?
Apparently, he was only seeing the bad sides in me, coz he did not trust me nor that he appreciated anything I did.
Instead, he acted like he was the victim and as if I was a monster that scared him, even though for me he was the cold, emotionless bastard.
I was here to make my fucking job, not to play his fucking babysitter, health guru, brother or whatever the fucking fuck!
If he didn't care about me, then why couldn't he just give up on me and make it easier for both of us, instead of those coward tries to appeal on my fucking sympathy?!
It would be much easier to make this fucking job if he wouldn't make the situation so difficult for both of us...
Internally, I was fighting with myself the whole time because of him.
I needed so badly to calm down. I sat up from the bathroom floor, took my clothes off, got in the shower and turned the faucet on with cold water.
I guess if Taylor would know which kind of person I had become he wouldn't want get to know me anymore anyway. He would probably act like he never knew me and regretted that he even tried to appeal for my sympathy. I had no idea if there was not enough glitter and fluff for the pixie princess but his glances when we arrived here in my brothel spoke volumes already.
I know that I'm not that picture book brother anymore he once knew.
My problem or my unbreakable habit is that, I just can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm not judging the entire society, but I just can't help it to be a Realist, so I guess I had to tell you what I learned. My conclusion. Well my conclusion is that from my life experiences, I could tell that most people want to get lied in awkward situations to keep the manners upright. Which has never been my style. If I'm pissed off, people do recognize that I'm pissed off. Some people appreciate me because of always being myself, other's don't like me because of that.
Since I worked for Taylor, he made me to a total asshole. But it felt like I had no choice but to act that way.
I am not a fucking sadist and as much as it's hard for me to admit it, those indifferent hate attacks which I spoke out to him hurt me too.
But how the fucking fuck could I find any single reason to treat him better if he didn't even have the guts to face me for once and tell me what he owed me since almost a fucking decade?
It was his fucking turn to say;
"I'm sorry that I left you alone."
Was it too much to ask for after nine fucking lonely years?
Why couldn't he just speak it out? What was he waiting for? Who was the asshole in this fucking deal, me or Taylor?
I knew that I didn't make it easy for him but there was no reason to give in if he always chose the easy ways for him.
If I give in to his appeals for my sympathy, things would never change. He would always think that he could act that way. And it was about time for him to face what he had done to me.
If that wasn't enough, there was also his stupid ego complex standing between us.
I didn't get his problem. We didn't even look alike and besides to that, I didn't expect him to introduce me to the public as his brother. I didn't give a shit about that. I whether needed fame nor public attention like he did. I already accepted that I'm never gonna be anything special.
Sadly, all which came from him so far was yammering about his fucking ego complex, but apparently he didn't have a problem to expose me to danger, even though he didn't trust me or could assess my skills.
What was he, a fucking sadist that wanted torture me for a second time???
I felt tears of pent-up anger building up behind my eyes.
Why didn't he give a shit about me? Why couldn't he forget his fucking ego for once and apologize to me after all or at least tell me that he appreciated my actions?
That we could find a normal state and not me being pissed off all the time.
He could apologize to me for what happened to Bandito, but he didn't have the guts to apologize to me... that fucking coward!
Why couldn't he forget his shitty ego for once and see how much he was hurting me?
I hated it to feel like a piece of shit because of him, even though I knew that he was guilty because of that.
I began to sweat and could feel how my blood was running up into my head. Even though I had turned on the faucet in the shower with ice cold water, my blood was still boiling inside. My mind was so loud that it felt like several bombs were exploding but the only one who could hear it was me.
When this fucking state would finally be over..?
I clenched my wet fists and forced my building up tears with all my anger and will so hard down that my head was hurting so bad that I thought it would explode any moment. I didn’t want to give Taylor the glory of making me miserable.
Added to that, I felt that I would need some coke soon, coz I didn't know how much longer I could bear this fucked up state. In everything I did, Taylor saw only the bad sides, acted like a scared little bunny even though it only needed one damn statement from him to make the old fucking past pains which grew on me a little more bearable.
He drove me insane with his fucking pretending to be innocent attitude!
As I realized showering didn't help me, I got out of it, wrapped a bathtowel around my lower body and brushed my teeth so hard that I ended up spitting more blood into the sink than toothpaste.
I really didn't know how much longer I could deal with this fucked up emotional shit. From now on, it would be just a question of time who would break down earlier, who has stronger psychic powers, me or Taylor.
But no matter what happens, I couldn't bail out of this fucking job anymore anyway, because Taylor's fucking Stalker dared to hurt Bandito.
And I wouldn't let him get away with that. That's for sure!
previous Chapter 34 next Chapter 36
Chapter Overview: Link
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2014-04-21 07:56 am (UTC)I clenched my wet fists and forced my building up tears with all my anger and will so hard down that my head was hurting so bad that I thought it would explode any moment.
Blade really seems to be at the end of his tether. I feel sad for him and for Taylor too. They both need each other so much, but Blade is still so hurt which is understandable after so many years.
There were moments... moments when I used to blame everything and everyone… for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened. Used to blame everybody. Blamed Taylor, blamed the society, blamed God.
I really like the little insights of the way he felt. It's like everyone expects him to be strong, but he's also broken and needs someone in his life.
Amazing and touching Chapter!
no subject
Date: 2014-04-21 11:17 pm (UTC)The added visuals reflect his emotions highly accurate, great job!