And with each mile
Nov. 24th, 2012 01:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teamzaylorCHAPTER 16: APOLOGIES
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
Credits & many Thanks to: Honor @beyondthethorns
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
Enjoy Chapter 16! ♥
I couldn’t even focus during class. Quinn and I had to share our proposed thesis for our project but the entire time we were meeting with Professor Milligan explaining it, I was thinking about Zac. Quinn ended up doing most of the talking for us.
“Someone’s spacey today,” she muttered to me as we sat back down and let the next group of students go up to the professor’s desk.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“I can tell. Zachary?”
I looked up from my desk surprised. How did she know?
Quinn chuckled, “What else would it be? What about Zachary?”
I shrugged and scratched at a pen mark on my desk. It was so complicated. How was I supposed to explain it all? I didn’t even know what I was upset about.
“I don’t know. We got in a fight before I left for class.”
“Left where? Is he sleeping in the dorms?”
“No!” I exclaimed. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was breaking university rules because I most certainly wasn’t. Then again, the fact that I was staying with Zac in his small hotel room felt just as awkward to explain. “I’ve been staying in his hotel room. He was really, really wasted last night and I had to walk him back. I ended up staying there with him because it was late.”
She smiled.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” I breathed, glancing around at the other students talking amongst themselves. “I swear.”
“What did you fight about?”
“Stupid stuff, I guess. I was looking in his cell phone and I saw that he had tons and tons of guys names in it which can only mean one thing….”
“And what is that?”
I sighed. Did I really have to explain? C’mon. I glanced around me again. “Zachary’s list of fuck buddies.”
“You don’t know that!” she gasped. “It could just be friends.”
I shook my head. “You don’t know what my brother was like for the past two years. He’d screw anyone in sight. I remember him drunk dialing me sometimes and finding out he’d just fucked like three guys that night alone. Trust me. It was a list of fuck buddies. He wouldn’t even deny it himself.”
She paused contemplatively and when the professor glanced at us, looked down at her paper to pretend we were working.
“Okay so we’ll start with a question about what it was like when Hitler took over England too. If they remember their emotions and thoughts,” she said, clearing her throat.
“Right. How they feel when watching the footage of the Nazis parading through the streets of London.”
We both paused as the professor went back to working with the students at his side.
“Well anyway,” Quinn said quietly. “Didn’t he screw all those guys when you guys weren’t together?”
“Yes.”
“So what are you mad about?”
“I don’t know…”
“So you got mad at him for no reason really?”
I sighed. “Quinn, it just… it sucks to know that he just spent those two years running around humping guys like a stray dog.”
She laughed. “It does suck. But you’ve known that all along, right?” She shrugged. “What can you do about it now? What’s done is done. Zachary was a manwhore and hopefully he won’t be anymore now that you’re together.”
“I’m not sure if we’re-”
“Don’t lie to yourself,” she cut me off. “I can tell by the way you act. You’re together. Now go apologize to him for freaking out.”
I used the eraser on my pencil to rub at the pen mark on my desk. Apologize? But didn’t I have a right to be even the least bit angry at him? He’d been disloyal hadn’t he… sort of?
“But can’t I be a little bit mad at him?”
Quinn shrugged. “I don’t know. Can you? The decisions Zachary made when you two weren’t together were his decisions. They didn’t affect you then. That’d be like him being mad at you for coming to London. You don’t have to agree with his decisions, but I don’t think you can be angry at him because of it.”
I guess she was right. Zac had never liked that I stayed at home by myself at night during studying to take my high-school diploma and then when high school was finally over, I enrolled immediately in college and shipped off to England. How could I be angry at him for what he did?
I hated being wrong.
“I guess,” I said because that response didn’t completely emasculate me. “But-”
“Everyone should be talking about their projects,” Professor Milligan suddenly announced loudly to the class, eying Quinn and I. We glanced down at our thesis on our desks and began rambling about it again. Like earlier, of course, I started thinking about Zachary again.
When class was over I said goodbye to Quinn and stepped outside. I stood on the steps trying to get reception from my cell phone so I could call him. When I finally had reception, I dialed his number and heard his phone ringing… only feet away from me. I flipped my phone closed and noticed Zac was sitting on the bottom steps staring off at the passing cars. He glanced at his phone and frowned and probably would have called me back had he not been distracted. I noticed a girl was standing next to him talking.
“I don’t do autographs anymore,” I heard him mumble to her.
“Why not? You should. You’re still Zac Hanson, band or not right? C’mon”
“I said I don’t do them, okay? Forget it. Move along.”
She raised an eyebrow at him and frowned. “Well you’re not even nice enough to want an autograph from anyway. I’m sorry I asked.”
“I’m sorry you asked too, because you’re not hot enough to give one to anyway. Lose a few pounds, see a dermatologist, and then ask me for an autograph. Maybe I can hook you up then.”
Her mouth hung open as she stood there staring at him in disbelief. I couldn’t help but smile. That was my Zac. He was rude, temperamental, and unbelievably amazing, in my eyes at least.
“I have never met a ruder person in my life.”
“And I’ve never met an uglier one. Why don’t you do us both a favor and move along? If I wanted to stare at trash, I would have sat over there,” he replied and gestured at an overflowing trash bin.
“You have no class, Zac Hanson!” she yelled and stormed away from him. I stood behind them torn between Laughter and disbelief. Zachary just watched her walk away and then leaned back against the steps and closed his eyes.
I quietly walked down the steps and gently kicked him.
“Hey!” he screamed and sat up ready to attack whoever it was. He stopped when he saw me.
I smiled. “Get out of my way you stupid bum.”
Zac smiled faintly back. “How long have you been here?”
“Long enough to see you refer that poor girl to a dermatologist.”
Zachary shrugged nonchalantly. “She’ll thank me when her acne clears up.”
I sat down next to him and sighed, glancing at my sneakers. “How did you know where my class was?”
“I have my ways.”
“Stalker.”
“I can’t help myself,” he smiled and began drumming his fingers along his knees. “But seriously, Tay… I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”
“I’m the one who should be sorry. It’s not my business what you’ve done the past few years. We weren’t together. I shouldn’t have looked in your phone and I shouldn’t have freaked out on you. It’s just threatening to know that you’ve been with all these other guys…”
“And girls,” he tried to maintain his bisexual orientation. I don’t know why he bothered to act that way around me.
“If you say so…” I said disbelievingly. “It’s just I know you’ve been with all these other people who are probably ten times manlier than me and ten times better than me and…”
I was going to keep going, but Zac began laughing loudly.
“I’m being serious!”
“I know! That’s why it’s so funny.”
I didn’t see what was funny at all. I was sitting there telling him that it made me uncomfortable to know he’d been with what was probably handfuls of male porn stars and he was laughing? I was seriously concerned.
“Taylor, you have no clue how incredibly beautiful you are and how attractive I find you, do you?”
I shrugged. No. I didn’t. How could I be attractive to him when I feel so inferior compared to his sex logbook? I wasn't exactly Mr. Masculine. It's not just that Zac was stronger than me, he was more manly than me either. He even started shaving earlier than me. Sure we both had the same long blond hair but you won't compare Zac as a girl again after you've heard his burping MmmBop refrain. If you do, it wouldn't take long until Zac jump on you and strike you in the face. I couldn't do that. I just couldn't. That wouldn't be me. I tried to solve my problems without physical violence even though sometimes I wish I could solve them as easy as Zachary did. I've always been known for trying to smooth down differences between my gamecocks brothers.
“The people I’ve been with the past few years don’t even compare to you. They’re nothing compared to you. They’re just useless bodies that I used for sex… and they’re not even particularly attractive either. This one guy… Stephen, Oh god, I wish you could see him,” Zachary said and then sputtered a laugh. “Oh man, he had like a hunchback or something and he was like 5’6. I don’t know what I was thinking there…”
I couldn’t help but smile. Hearing him make fun of the guys I felt incredibly jealous of was what I needed.
“Or this other kid who’s name I don’t even know… I always just called him Philly because all I knew was that he was from Philadelphia. He was an old fan actually… picture gayer than your friend Carter.” I laughed. Ew. Zachary hated really gay looking men. We both did.
“When he took his shirt off, I found he had a huge Hanson tattoo across his back. I’m talking HUGE. And bright pink. That was the best part of it. I actually had to pause and ask myself if I was actually going to fuck him or not.”
“I know you fucked him.”
“Of course I fucked him,” Zac grinned but I sensed he was partly making fun of himself because he was embarrassed. “I was far from sober and my number one priority was my dick.”
It was strange to hear him talk about his sexual experiences so openly to me. He’d never done that before. I’d never heard anything about his dates or anything. He never talked about friends or what he did in Los Angeles unless I made him.
“Why are you being so open with me?”
Zac shrugged. “I guess I’m sick of hiding stuff from you… and I’m sick of you not feeling comfortable around me. Tay, we’ve known each other for almost 18 years. We should be able to talk about anything. I want you to know that anything you’ve ever heard about me… or suspected about me…” he chuckled awkwardly. “It’s all true basically.”
“Great.”
“But I’m not going to hide it from you. It all happened, but it meant nothing to me. You always meant too much for anything else to mean anything. I invested any love I had in you and there was nothing left for anyone else. It was all meaningless sex and I hope you understand that.”
I sighed and scuffed my sneaker along the step. I didn’t know how to digest what he was telling me. Was I supposed to just shrug and accept that the one person I loved, craved, needed more than anyone had just spent years screwing guys and he was okay with telling me about it?
“Do you regret it?”
Zachary shrugged. “Yes and no. I don’t really regret anything Taylor because I love where I am right now… with you, in London, trying to make things work again. If I hadn’t done everything I’ve done these past years… who knows. We might not be here right now. It’s stupid to regret things because every moment is dependent on moments before.”
I wanted to know he regretted it. I wanted to hear him say that he wished he was with me that whole time or he wished he’d waited for me and not wasted so much of himself on meaningless relationships.
“But if I had to do it all over again, I think I would have just stopped this moving on bullshit earlier,” he confessed. “Because we need to just face it. We can’t move on unless we move on together.”
I nodded and reached over to place my hand on his knee. God, I loved him. Everything about him was perfect to me. Who cares that he was incredibly frustrating in public and that he embarrassed both of us with his ridiculous outbursts. Who cared that he’d screwed probably every homosexual in the state of California… and Oklahoma for that matter. (All four of us.) I certainly didn’t care. All that mattered was he was mine and he was perfect and we were going to give it another chance.
“We’ve gotta stop obsessing over the past, dude,” Zac put his hand on top of mine. “Forget about the tabloids and who I dated and who you dated and how the family reacted and how we treated each other… all that really matters is now.”
I sighed and without caring who saw, rested my head against his shoulder. It’d been so long since I’d done that but it felt so completely natural. It felt amazing to be close to him. I wondered how long the excitement of being just near him would last.
“Zac?”
“Hm?”
“You’re completely right. I need to just relax and stop being so serious all the time. I’m sick of being so serious.”
He laughed. “Yeah right. You’re Taylor. You love being anal about everything. You've always been a perfectionist.”
“Not true! Only about business… about the music.”
The music. We both paused to take a moment of silence for our dead music that could never be resurrected even if we wanted it to.
“You’ll see. I’m going to stop being so serious. You know what? I’ll skip class tomorrow,” I grinned.
“I don’t believe you,” he laughed. “Morning will come and you’ll be running off to class. Just you wait and see.”
I gently punched him. “You’ll eat those words. I bet you 20 dollars I’ll skip tomorrow’s classes.”
Zachary shrugged and cleared his throat, rubbing his fingers along mine. “Oh yeah?” He paused again like he wanted to say something he didn’t know how to phrase. “I’ll give you 20 dollars if you drop out completely… travel Europe with me.”
What?
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
Credits & many Thanks to: Honor @beyondthethorns
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
Enjoy Chapter 16! ♥
I couldn’t even focus during class. Quinn and I had to share our proposed thesis for our project but the entire time we were meeting with Professor Milligan explaining it, I was thinking about Zac. Quinn ended up doing most of the talking for us.
“Someone’s spacey today,” she muttered to me as we sat back down and let the next group of students go up to the professor’s desk.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“I can tell. Zachary?”
I looked up from my desk surprised. How did she know?
Quinn chuckled, “What else would it be? What about Zachary?”
I shrugged and scratched at a pen mark on my desk. It was so complicated. How was I supposed to explain it all? I didn’t even know what I was upset about.
“I don’t know. We got in a fight before I left for class.”
“Left where? Is he sleeping in the dorms?”
“No!” I exclaimed. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was breaking university rules because I most certainly wasn’t. Then again, the fact that I was staying with Zac in his small hotel room felt just as awkward to explain. “I’ve been staying in his hotel room. He was really, really wasted last night and I had to walk him back. I ended up staying there with him because it was late.”
She smiled.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” I breathed, glancing around at the other students talking amongst themselves. “I swear.”
“What did you fight about?”
“Stupid stuff, I guess. I was looking in his cell phone and I saw that he had tons and tons of guys names in it which can only mean one thing….”
“And what is that?”
I sighed. Did I really have to explain? C’mon. I glanced around me again. “Zachary’s list of fuck buddies.”
“You don’t know that!” she gasped. “It could just be friends.”
I shook my head. “You don’t know what my brother was like for the past two years. He’d screw anyone in sight. I remember him drunk dialing me sometimes and finding out he’d just fucked like three guys that night alone. Trust me. It was a list of fuck buddies. He wouldn’t even deny it himself.”
She paused contemplatively and when the professor glanced at us, looked down at her paper to pretend we were working.
“Okay so we’ll start with a question about what it was like when Hitler took over England too. If they remember their emotions and thoughts,” she said, clearing her throat.
“Right. How they feel when watching the footage of the Nazis parading through the streets of London.”
We both paused as the professor went back to working with the students at his side.
“Well anyway,” Quinn said quietly. “Didn’t he screw all those guys when you guys weren’t together?”
“Yes.”
“So what are you mad about?”
“I don’t know…”
“So you got mad at him for no reason really?”
I sighed. “Quinn, it just… it sucks to know that he just spent those two years running around humping guys like a stray dog.”
She laughed. “It does suck. But you’ve known that all along, right?” She shrugged. “What can you do about it now? What’s done is done. Zachary was a manwhore and hopefully he won’t be anymore now that you’re together.”
“I’m not sure if we’re-”
“Don’t lie to yourself,” she cut me off. “I can tell by the way you act. You’re together. Now go apologize to him for freaking out.”
I used the eraser on my pencil to rub at the pen mark on my desk. Apologize? But didn’t I have a right to be even the least bit angry at him? He’d been disloyal hadn’t he… sort of?
“But can’t I be a little bit mad at him?”
Quinn shrugged. “I don’t know. Can you? The decisions Zachary made when you two weren’t together were his decisions. They didn’t affect you then. That’d be like him being mad at you for coming to London. You don’t have to agree with his decisions, but I don’t think you can be angry at him because of it.”
I guess she was right. Zac had never liked that I stayed at home by myself at night during studying to take my high-school diploma and then when high school was finally over, I enrolled immediately in college and shipped off to England. How could I be angry at him for what he did?
I hated being wrong.
“I guess,” I said because that response didn’t completely emasculate me. “But-”
“Everyone should be talking about their projects,” Professor Milligan suddenly announced loudly to the class, eying Quinn and I. We glanced down at our thesis on our desks and began rambling about it again. Like earlier, of course, I started thinking about Zachary again.
When class was over I said goodbye to Quinn and stepped outside. I stood on the steps trying to get reception from my cell phone so I could call him. When I finally had reception, I dialed his number and heard his phone ringing… only feet away from me. I flipped my phone closed and noticed Zac was sitting on the bottom steps staring off at the passing cars. He glanced at his phone and frowned and probably would have called me back had he not been distracted. I noticed a girl was standing next to him talking.
“I don’t do autographs anymore,” I heard him mumble to her.
“Why not? You should. You’re still Zac Hanson, band or not right? C’mon”
“I said I don’t do them, okay? Forget it. Move along.”
She raised an eyebrow at him and frowned. “Well you’re not even nice enough to want an autograph from anyway. I’m sorry I asked.”
“I’m sorry you asked too, because you’re not hot enough to give one to anyway. Lose a few pounds, see a dermatologist, and then ask me for an autograph. Maybe I can hook you up then.”
Her mouth hung open as she stood there staring at him in disbelief. I couldn’t help but smile. That was my Zac. He was rude, temperamental, and unbelievably amazing, in my eyes at least.
“I have never met a ruder person in my life.”
“And I’ve never met an uglier one. Why don’t you do us both a favor and move along? If I wanted to stare at trash, I would have sat over there,” he replied and gestured at an overflowing trash bin.
“You have no class, Zac Hanson!” she yelled and stormed away from him. I stood behind them torn between Laughter and disbelief. Zachary just watched her walk away and then leaned back against the steps and closed his eyes.
I quietly walked down the steps and gently kicked him.
“Hey!” he screamed and sat up ready to attack whoever it was. He stopped when he saw me.
I smiled. “Get out of my way you stupid bum.”
Zac smiled faintly back. “How long have you been here?”
“Long enough to see you refer that poor girl to a dermatologist.”
Zachary shrugged nonchalantly. “She’ll thank me when her acne clears up.”
I sat down next to him and sighed, glancing at my sneakers. “How did you know where my class was?”
“I have my ways.”
“Stalker.”
“I can’t help myself,” he smiled and began drumming his fingers along his knees. “But seriously, Tay… I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”
“I’m the one who should be sorry. It’s not my business what you’ve done the past few years. We weren’t together. I shouldn’t have looked in your phone and I shouldn’t have freaked out on you. It’s just threatening to know that you’ve been with all these other guys…”
“And girls,” he tried to maintain his bisexual orientation. I don’t know why he bothered to act that way around me.
“If you say so…” I said disbelievingly. “It’s just I know you’ve been with all these other people who are probably ten times manlier than me and ten times better than me and…”
I was going to keep going, but Zac began laughing loudly.
“I’m being serious!”
“I know! That’s why it’s so funny.”
I didn’t see what was funny at all. I was sitting there telling him that it made me uncomfortable to know he’d been with what was probably handfuls of male porn stars and he was laughing? I was seriously concerned.
“Taylor, you have no clue how incredibly beautiful you are and how attractive I find you, do you?”
I shrugged. No. I didn’t. How could I be attractive to him when I feel so inferior compared to his sex logbook? I wasn't exactly Mr. Masculine. It's not just that Zac was stronger than me, he was more manly than me either. He even started shaving earlier than me. Sure we both had the same long blond hair but you won't compare Zac as a girl again after you've heard his burping MmmBop refrain. If you do, it wouldn't take long until Zac jump on you and strike you in the face. I couldn't do that. I just couldn't. That wouldn't be me. I tried to solve my problems without physical violence even though sometimes I wish I could solve them as easy as Zachary did. I've always been known for trying to smooth down differences between my gamecocks brothers.
“The people I’ve been with the past few years don’t even compare to you. They’re nothing compared to you. They’re just useless bodies that I used for sex… and they’re not even particularly attractive either. This one guy… Stephen, Oh god, I wish you could see him,” Zachary said and then sputtered a laugh. “Oh man, he had like a hunchback or something and he was like 5’6. I don’t know what I was thinking there…”
I couldn’t help but smile. Hearing him make fun of the guys I felt incredibly jealous of was what I needed.
“Or this other kid who’s name I don’t even know… I always just called him Philly because all I knew was that he was from Philadelphia. He was an old fan actually… picture gayer than your friend Carter.” I laughed. Ew. Zachary hated really gay looking men. We both did.
“When he took his shirt off, I found he had a huge Hanson tattoo across his back. I’m talking HUGE. And bright pink. That was the best part of it. I actually had to pause and ask myself if I was actually going to fuck him or not.”
“I know you fucked him.”
“Of course I fucked him,” Zac grinned but I sensed he was partly making fun of himself because he was embarrassed. “I was far from sober and my number one priority was my dick.”
It was strange to hear him talk about his sexual experiences so openly to me. He’d never done that before. I’d never heard anything about his dates or anything. He never talked about friends or what he did in Los Angeles unless I made him.
“Why are you being so open with me?”
Zac shrugged. “I guess I’m sick of hiding stuff from you… and I’m sick of you not feeling comfortable around me. Tay, we’ve known each other for almost 18 years. We should be able to talk about anything. I want you to know that anything you’ve ever heard about me… or suspected about me…” he chuckled awkwardly. “It’s all true basically.”
“Great.”
“But I’m not going to hide it from you. It all happened, but it meant nothing to me. You always meant too much for anything else to mean anything. I invested any love I had in you and there was nothing left for anyone else. It was all meaningless sex and I hope you understand that.”
I sighed and scuffed my sneaker along the step. I didn’t know how to digest what he was telling me. Was I supposed to just shrug and accept that the one person I loved, craved, needed more than anyone had just spent years screwing guys and he was okay with telling me about it?
“Do you regret it?”
Zachary shrugged. “Yes and no. I don’t really regret anything Taylor because I love where I am right now… with you, in London, trying to make things work again. If I hadn’t done everything I’ve done these past years… who knows. We might not be here right now. It’s stupid to regret things because every moment is dependent on moments before.”
I wanted to know he regretted it. I wanted to hear him say that he wished he was with me that whole time or he wished he’d waited for me and not wasted so much of himself on meaningless relationships.
“But if I had to do it all over again, I think I would have just stopped this moving on bullshit earlier,” he confessed. “Because we need to just face it. We can’t move on unless we move on together.”
I nodded and reached over to place my hand on his knee. God, I loved him. Everything about him was perfect to me. Who cares that he was incredibly frustrating in public and that he embarrassed both of us with his ridiculous outbursts. Who cared that he’d screwed probably every homosexual in the state of California… and Oklahoma for that matter. (All four of us.) I certainly didn’t care. All that mattered was he was mine and he was perfect and we were going to give it another chance.
“We’ve gotta stop obsessing over the past, dude,” Zac put his hand on top of mine. “Forget about the tabloids and who I dated and who you dated and how the family reacted and how we treated each other… all that really matters is now.”
I sighed and without caring who saw, rested my head against his shoulder. It’d been so long since I’d done that but it felt so completely natural. It felt amazing to be close to him. I wondered how long the excitement of being just near him would last.
“Zac?”
“Hm?”
“You’re completely right. I need to just relax and stop being so serious all the time. I’m sick of being so serious.”
He laughed. “Yeah right. You’re Taylor. You love being anal about everything. You've always been a perfectionist.”
“Not true! Only about business… about the music.”
The music. We both paused to take a moment of silence for our dead music that could never be resurrected even if we wanted it to.
“You’ll see. I’m going to stop being so serious. You know what? I’ll skip class tomorrow,” I grinned.
“I don’t believe you,” he laughed. “Morning will come and you’ll be running off to class. Just you wait and see.”
I gently punched him. “You’ll eat those words. I bet you 20 dollars I’ll skip tomorrow’s classes.”
Zachary shrugged and cleared his throat, rubbing his fingers along mine. “Oh yeah?” He paused again like he wanted to say something he didn’t know how to phrase. “I’ll give you 20 dollars if you drop out completely… travel Europe with me.”
What?
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Date: 2012-11-24 03:47 pm (UTC)And oh, about that Europe trip, I hope Tay agrees!!! <3 <3 <3