teamzaylor: (Zaylor - Zac & Tay)
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Chapter: 16
Rating: Nc-17
POV: Taylor
Summary: The death of their parents broke Taylor and Zac apart. Each of them went his own way of life, Taylor became a famous superstar and never thought that his profession would bring his life in danger someday. Blade (Zac) buried the past and lived his life contentedly in his dark and dirty world as a pimp. Because of some unexpected circumstances Blade got hired as Taylor's bodyguard and the brothers saw each other for the first time after almost a decade. How will they find a way to each other again after the past had put thick walls between them?

Authors Notes: Another The Bodyguard Chapter. We decided to update a little earlier this time, Chapter 16 is in Taylor's POV again. Thank you everyone for your feedback <3

PS.: Please use the Chapter Overview or our inserted Links which will forward you to the next Chapter in the right order.

previous Chapter 15                                                                                                                                                                next Chapter 17


I stood in the bathroom, leaning my back against the door for a long time. I looked up and mindlessly watched the ceiling and the light in the middle of it. My vision became blurry as tears welled up in my eyes again. Slowly I slid down on the floor.

I thought the death of my parents was the hardest and most painful part of my life, I never expected that I'd experience losing my loved ones again, especially not in a cruel way like this.

What have I done?! How could I be so careless? Could I have prevented their death if I'd taken those weird letters more seriously?

The voices in my head were always conflicting over the life I've led. Questions of which I would never get answers for were anguishing me, because I knew that it was too late.

I will never see Natalie's face waking up next to me again and w
ithout my family, I was all alone.

Back then, it took me over a year to get over the death of my parents. The wounds from their death and the facts associated with their death were still painful to me.

Our parents were always supporting us, especially me and my career. My dad had arranged everything for me so that I could be have an opportunity in the music business.

If we hadn't moved to California because of me ten years ago, they would still be alive.

Their death was my fault. Our family would still have been complete and happy if my music career and I hadn't broken that up. The car accident of our parents happened when they were on the way to one of my very first big gigs in Los Angeles.

I didn't know how I could be there for Zac after that. How could I look into his eyes every day with the knowledge that I am the person who is responsible for the death of our parents? It's my fault there are not alive anymore.

That was the reason for my escape. I wanted to be anywhere but in this world.

Zachary didn't know that I had stopped making music after their death. Actually, I never wanted to make music again. I was
so full of guilt and didn't know how to handle it.

I needed time, time to get over the death of our parents, find myself again and get back to life. I tried to recover, to get better. I always hoped Zac would also find his own way and happiness again; I never wanted us to grow apart.

I just couldn't carry the burden, so I escaped because I didn't know how to deal with the guilt. I thought I would never be able to find happiness in anything again, nor in making music.

Until one day, I received a copy of my parents' testament in which they told me that they didn't want me to give up my music career and assured me to continue going my way at any price.

It took me over a year to slowly find my passion for music again. I met Natalie and it was like a dream, a beautiful dream I could never have imagined in a thousand years... There was a girl next to me who didn't catch my attention until she smiled and I felt that beautiful smile come at me in heat waves, soaking through my body and out my finger tips in shafts of color. In that moment I knew there was still love for me in this world. This girl gave me the love that I needed to get over my sorrow and guilt; she helped me to find my way back to life and my music.

When I finally felt better, I tried my best to search for Zachary and inquired into his whereabouts but it was too late. Too much time had passed and
I had waited too long. I had wasted too much time and lost track of him. All I could find out was that he had joined the army and became part of a special team with secret missions for the government. After that, he suddenly disappeared. Apparently he stopped using his real name because I wasn't able to get any additional details about him anymore after that.

Our parent's house was for sale and I bought it in the hopes to feel home in this place again. I've always been a family person and I always hoped Zachary would come back someday and we could be a close family again.

But everything had changed; too many years had passed in the meantime. The happiness in Zachary's sixteen year old face didn't exist anymore and I knew that I had taken it away from him. The new face of Blade just scared me. There was so much anger and hate reflected in his dark eyes every time he looked at me; they were full of contempt.

Even though he didn't say anything about us and our past, it didn't need words to say out loud how much he hated and blamed me for leaving.
Our good relationship was far too gone now and both of us had become strangers.
Because of all the despise he showed me now, it made me realized that it's too late for a reconciliation attempt between us.

Zac could insult me as much as he wanted, it wouldn't hurt me anymore. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I was just a numb shell.

I didn't plan to come out again. The reality was killing me; the only escape left for me was death to numb the pain. There was no other way. Thinking of committing suicide is all I can think of, because it will bring me to my family. I can think of hundreds of ways to die and hundreds of ways to do it but I can't think of one way to live with the guilt, so I locked myself away.

In my current state, I didn't have the strength to deal with Blade. I was so tired of fighting all the time. None from my fans or the public knew the real me, I had always tried to keep my head high even though I'm broken inside.

Natalie had been a big fan of my music years before we began dating, so it was normal for her to hang posters in our home from my various performances. She always told me that her biggest dream came true when we got married. Both of us were so lucky. For the media we've been a dream couple.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I thought our love would remain forever. Sadly, our love couldn't withstand my busy life with the touring, the constant appointments for interviews and long recording hours in the studio. No pictures of me on our walls or phone calls could replace a daily attendance. I realized too late that our love couldn't be fixed anymore.

It made me lonely to live a life without love, as lonely as she felt.
Since I lost Nat and my unborn child, I felt like I had never figured out how to live this life.

The reality was so very different. It's amazing what some good clothes and a fake smile can do. For the media and public, I always had to pretend to smile beautifully, to hide my injured soul and not show them how unhappy I really was. I was forced to fake a smile and laugh every day of my life. But fake happiness is still the worst sadness. It's scary what a smile can hide. Every day I would get up and pretend that nothing was wrong and I was OK. I did this so no one would pay me additional attention, I wasn't seeking it. It was so no one knew how I really felt. I'm too scared to say it, I felt I had to hide behind a smile.

But the truth is, I am more broken than anyone ever thought.

Nobody knows how many times I've lay alone in a hotel room and cried, how many times I've lost hope and felt alone. Emptiness has hit me like a black hole sucking the life and hope out of me.

I wish I could run away from all the shit, but no matter where I go the feelings of remorse, pain and guilt stayed inside of me and ate away at my useless soul. There's too much to escape from but nowhere to escape to, except death. I was drowning inside and nobody could hear me scream and here at the end of all things, death sounds like a melody...


Maybe one day, in another life, Zac and I will meet again when we are different people. Maybe then we will be better for each other. Something broke between us, he changed and I changed.

Like back then, I couldn't bear the guilt. I didn't know how to deal with the guilty burden of the past and the loss of my wife and child on top of that. It was too much for me to deal with.

Dear Natalie and Alexandria, I'm telling this to you in my thoughts to tell you I'm done.
No one can help me anymore. Hopefully, we will soon be together again, wherever my girls are now...

All I want is to be happy together with them.

I wasn't even aware anymore of my tears falling down my cheeks as I stood up and pulled off my clothes.

Hopefully, Zachary would not hate me even more after what I was about to do.

I didn't want to leave this world with hate left behind, but at this point, there was no return for me anymore.

Without taking notice of my little whimpers, I stepped into the shower and turned on the faucet. Silently, I stood under the cascading water and let it run down my pale body for a while.

I wanted to clean up myself first, to not look like a total mess when I implemented my scheme to leave this world.  Even though that was exactly how I felt. Physically and emotionally. I knew it was almost immaterial in my current state, but perhaps I was still a perfectionist after all...

When I was finished, I got out of the shower and put on a bathrobe. Then I went in the corner of the room where the medicine cupboard was. Hopefully the pain would be over soon...

Though, as I opened the door, my eyes widened and I was completely taken aback.
The cabinet was empty.

What the hell....!

Had Zachary became a junkie? Where were all of my medications?!

I was sure that it could have only been my gangster brother who had cleared them out. I was robbed in my own house!

But it didn't matter anymore. Even if Zac just tried to keep me away from another suicide attempt, there were other ways.

If the easy way wouldn't work, then it had to be the hard way. Determined, I opened the drawer below the cupboard to take out my shaving gear. Too many traces of guilt were in my blood so I'd drag blades across my skin until they are gone...

But I got surprised again.

My shaving things were gone as well!

Who the hell did that stealing bastard think he was?!?

I sighed; I didn't know what to do. Maybe I should go down and knock the shit out of him!

The situation became fucking ridiculous. I couldn't even fucking kill myself in my own house!

I looked around to find out what else I could do but I noticed that the mirror from the wall was also gone. Fantastic! My little brother didn't forget a thing. To break a window was not a possible option either; I had to replace the window panes in the house with bulletproof glass a few years ago.

I didn't know what else to do but to give in. Apparently, Zachary really tried to keep me away from committing suicide. I wasn't sure why he did that, at the moment I couldn't think of any plausible reason for his actions.

I sighed and opened the door again. I had to talk to him. He couldn't just take away my things like he wanted to. Eventually, it was my own decision what to do with my life. So with built up strength I didn't know I still had, I marched theatrically downstairs.

I opened my mouth to call him as I saw him sitting on the couch in the living room, when suddenly a big black dog excitedly jumped towards me. I backed off at first as he popped up his head, but then I let him sniff at my hand. It was the same dog that Zac had with him when I saw him for the first time yesterday.

He was happily wagging his stumpy tail as he greeted me.

I sat down on the last step and stroked his back carefully. It seemed that he had a good disposition so I didn't protest when he pushed in and snuggled up on my lap. I continued stroking his fur and he watched me intently with his curious brown eyes.

My brother didn't turn around to face me and I watched his back for a while. He sat there with his legs lying on the table; a bowl filled with milk and cornflakes in his hand and he shoveled the spoon in his big fat mouth every few seconds while he was watching The Simpsons.

I couldn't help but to smile a little at the sight.


Even though it was just a very simple thing, a familiar memory rushed over me as I saw him sitting there.

Maybe I was wrong and he didn't change that much after all...

Somehow, I found hope in the warm-heartedness which his dog showed me and my younger brother sitting there watching Cartoons like in earlier days. For the first time, I suddenly didn't feel alone anymore.

And I slowly realized that I wanted to live again.



video inspiration for this Chapter:

Only Time - Taylor Hanson by Enya

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