And with each mile
Dec. 1st, 2012 06:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teamzaylorCHAPTER 25: BREAK A COMMANDMENT
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
Credits & many Thanks to: Honor @beyondthethorns
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
As his reward, I let him pick the lunch spot.
We ended up as some small beach café on the corner of a busy street. We sat outside on a little black table no larger than a music stand.
“This is a small fucking table,” Zac laughed as we sat down and struggled to find elbow space.
I was quiet though. I was sitting there watching how the sun was lighting his whole face up and how adorable he looked when he had to squint from the light. Stupid, I know, but that’s what I was thinking about.
Zachary took a menu and opened it up. “What shall I have today…?” He began mindlessly chattering. “Tons of different kinds of chicken. Chicken sounds good… hmmm… What are you thinking of having?”
Zac has always been fairly uncomfortable with silence. He feels the need to talk even when the silence is content. It makes him nervous.
He looked up at me over the top of his menu when I didn’t respond. He looked worried at first but then when he noticed I was just sitting there lazily staring at him, he relaxed a bit, smiled, and said curiously, “What?”
I shrugged. “Nothing.”
He looked back at his menu and I watched as his hazelnut eyes scanned it again. He squinted to struggle to read the Spanish. He licked his lips casually and commented, “Some of those sandwiches sound good. I can’t tell if I’m in the mood for a sandwich though.”
I responded with more silence.
“Definitely don’t feel like pasta…” he said, flipping past a page in the menu quickly.
Stillness.
Finally he looked over the menu again and placed it down on the table in front of him. “Okay, you’re creeping me out. Why are you just sitting there staring at me? Is my hair doing something weird or something?” He ran his fingers through his hair self-consciously.
I chuckled and shook my head. “No, no. I just…” I shrugged out of embarrassment and looked down at the table sheepishly. I felt stupid explaining. “I just… like watching you.”
He suspiciously raised a perfect eyebrow.
“I’m serious. I was just sitting here watching you… because you’re nice to watch.”
His apprehension turned into a smile and he laughed quietly under his breath. “If you say so, Taylor.”
I kept staring at him and this time, instead of awkwardly fumbling with his fingers and studying his menu, he stared back. God, he was gorgeous. What was wrong with me? Was it healthy to be so obsessed, intrigued, smitten by someone else? Especially is that someone else is your brother?
A question popped into my mind at that moment- a question I’d been wondering about for years. It was a question I had first pondered when I was only 15 years old and seeing Zachary in a whole new light. I had been laying in the darkness of our bedroom one night and when my eyes finally adjusted to the blackness, I noticed that Zachary was lying next to me in his own bed on top of his covers. It was a hot night out but because it was only early May, Dad was refusing to use the air-conditioner just yet. He was wearing just boxers that night and like every night, I had a perfect view of every inch of his body- well, mostly.
I laid there running my eyes up and down each of his legs, across his tan stomach, up to his soft lips. And it was arousing, and that scared me. I had just noticed a few weeks before that moment how excited I got just from looking at Zac and it was driving me nuts. Laying there, I asked myself, for the first time- would God approve?
“Zac,” I said quietly, looking down at my fingers and waiting for the shit to hit the fan. What I was about to ask him would piss him off. Zachary was a vocal atheist.
“Huh,” he grunted as he studied his menu again. He was distracted. Perhaps that was better. Maybe he would casually give me an answer without blowing up.
“I’ve been wondering something for a long time… a really long time in fact.”
He looked up at me and waited. I didn’t realize I was supposed to continue talking just yet. “So what is it?” he said impatiently.
“Well… don’t get mad but…”
He chuckled. “Uh oh. I don’t like conversations that start like that. Tay, if this has to do with Los Angeles and anything that happened in the past two years while we weren’t together, can we wait until after lunch? I don’t feel like having to do an LA debate right now.”
“It doesn’t,” I assured him. Actually, compared to what I was going to ask him, he probably would have rather talked about LA. But I had made up my mind to ask him. And since I finally had worked up the nerves, I wasn’t going to change my mind.
“Just ask me then.”
I cleared my throat. “Zac… I’ve always wondered. If God wanted us to be together, why would we have made us brothers?”
He eyes flickered a bit in anger.
“I mean, don’t you think the fact that God made us brothers is a sign that… well, it isn’t natural for us to do what we do Zachary. Maybe we should take genetics a bit more seriously. Maybe he was trying to tell us something.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t get mad!” I pleaded. “I’m just saying… If God made us brothers, he obviously never wanted us to fall in love.”
Zac shook his head, almost in disbelief. “How long have you been thinking about this, Taylor?”
“I don’t know. For years.”
“We’ve talked about this!” he exclaimed. We both glanced around at the people sitting near by. He lowered his voice to a more subtle growl. “How many conversations did we have in 2000 about the morality of our relationship? Hundreds! We talked about this for hours, Tay. How can you say you are questioning this now? You know that society shouldn’t tell us it’s wrong. You know it’s not fair that just because most people fall in love with their brothers, that doesn’t mean we can’t. You know all of this.”
“We talked about society! But you never really wanted to talk about how God falls into the equation.”
“Cause he doesn’t!”
“Zac,” I sighed. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it after all. Fuck. “Okay, let’s just forget it.”
“Forget it!? Taylor, you’re telling me that every time you kiss me you’re still wondering if it’s wrong. Every time you tell me you love me you’re questioning whether your stupid fucking delusion of a god thinks it’s okay.”
“It’s not a delusion…” I said quietly. I might not go to church on Sunday and read the Bible like I probably should, but God fucking exists. Because of God I was able to survive without Zachary. Because of God, Mom and Dad never rejected us for what happened. Because of God, I moved on after 2000 and made something out of myself.
“If you believe in God, Taylor, then you’re a fool. Because if there was a god, he wouldn’t have let what happened in 2000 happen to us. There wouldn’t have been photographers there and we wouldn’t have lost our career. People wouldn’t say whisper and say shit about us and ostracize us if there was a fucking god.”
I closed my eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths. I did not want to fight with Zachary about theology. Although I hadn’t really had many deep conversations with him over the past few years and we didn’t have to agree on the God issue, but we didn’t need to fight about it. Closing my eyes and just ignoring it all felt better.
“Taylor,” Zac eventually said flatly, the silence obviously bothering him again. Then he sighed and said in a more sensitive tone, “Tay…”
I shook my head and picked up my menu. “Forget it. Just forget I said anything.”
I tried to focus on the menu but I couldn’t read any of it and now I could feel *his* eyes on me.
He sighed again. “Dude, I’m sorry for yelling at you… It’s just…”
“I know,” I cut him off. “You don’t like it when I talk about God.”
He shrugged.
“But if you love me, Zac, you have to accept that about me. I don’t get mad at you when you rant about how much you hate Christianity. So don’t blow up on me just because I have a little faith. It’s not fair.”
He studied his fingers now too and then finally nodded. Wow, Zachary relenting and admitting he was wrong? A rarity, that’s for sure. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I swallowed and then asked quietly, this time even more hesitantly. “Zac… just pretend for a moment there is a God, okay?”
He paused and then grudgingly nodded. It almost looked like it pained him to do so.
“Figuring there is a God… why would he make us brothers if we were meant to fall in love? I mean I know you don’t believe in fate and all of that stuff, but say you do. Why would he do that Zac? Couldn’t the fact that we’re brothers be his warning to us not to think about each other in any other way?”
Zac sat there, watching a group of older women walk by chattering. At first glance, he looked distracted and bored. But I knew him well enough to know that the look in his eyes was a sign of him just contemplating my question.
“I think…” he finally spoke, “I think the complete opposite, Tay.”
His voice was gentle and comforting for the first time during the conversation.
“I think that God, if there was one, made us for each other. I think that this figurative God knew if he didn’t make us brothers, we could have been born miles away from each other. You could have been born into a family in New York and I could be out on the west coast. We might have never found each other.” He cleared his throat. “I think, this God of yours, he didn’t want us to be looking for each other for our entire lives. He wanted more for us. And so when he made us brothers, he was just guaranteeing our love.”
It didn’t completely make sense. There were holes in his logic. I wasn’t sure if he meant it at all or he was just humoring me, but it sounded nice to me and I felt better hearing it. So I nodded. And I believed him. Because finally, after four years since that night that I first wondered, it put the question to bed.
Next update very soon! :)
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
Credits & many Thanks to: Honor @beyondthethorns
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
As his reward, I let him pick the lunch spot.
We ended up as some small beach café on the corner of a busy street. We sat outside on a little black table no larger than a music stand.
“This is a small fucking table,” Zac laughed as we sat down and struggled to find elbow space.
I was quiet though. I was sitting there watching how the sun was lighting his whole face up and how adorable he looked when he had to squint from the light. Stupid, I know, but that’s what I was thinking about.
Zachary took a menu and opened it up. “What shall I have today…?” He began mindlessly chattering. “Tons of different kinds of chicken. Chicken sounds good… hmmm… What are you thinking of having?”
Zac has always been fairly uncomfortable with silence. He feels the need to talk even when the silence is content. It makes him nervous.
He looked up at me over the top of his menu when I didn’t respond. He looked worried at first but then when he noticed I was just sitting there lazily staring at him, he relaxed a bit, smiled, and said curiously, “What?”
I shrugged. “Nothing.”
He looked back at his menu and I watched as his hazelnut eyes scanned it again. He squinted to struggle to read the Spanish. He licked his lips casually and commented, “Some of those sandwiches sound good. I can’t tell if I’m in the mood for a sandwich though.”
I responded with more silence.
“Definitely don’t feel like pasta…” he said, flipping past a page in the menu quickly.
Stillness.
Finally he looked over the menu again and placed it down on the table in front of him. “Okay, you’re creeping me out. Why are you just sitting there staring at me? Is my hair doing something weird or something?” He ran his fingers through his hair self-consciously.
I chuckled and shook my head. “No, no. I just…” I shrugged out of embarrassment and looked down at the table sheepishly. I felt stupid explaining. “I just… like watching you.”
He suspiciously raised a perfect eyebrow.
“I’m serious. I was just sitting here watching you… because you’re nice to watch.”
His apprehension turned into a smile and he laughed quietly under his breath. “If you say so, Taylor.”
I kept staring at him and this time, instead of awkwardly fumbling with his fingers and studying his menu, he stared back. God, he was gorgeous. What was wrong with me? Was it healthy to be so obsessed, intrigued, smitten by someone else? Especially is that someone else is your brother?
A question popped into my mind at that moment- a question I’d been wondering about for years. It was a question I had first pondered when I was only 15 years old and seeing Zachary in a whole new light. I had been laying in the darkness of our bedroom one night and when my eyes finally adjusted to the blackness, I noticed that Zachary was lying next to me in his own bed on top of his covers. It was a hot night out but because it was only early May, Dad was refusing to use the air-conditioner just yet. He was wearing just boxers that night and like every night, I had a perfect view of every inch of his body- well, mostly.
I laid there running my eyes up and down each of his legs, across his tan stomach, up to his soft lips. And it was arousing, and that scared me. I had just noticed a few weeks before that moment how excited I got just from looking at Zac and it was driving me nuts. Laying there, I asked myself, for the first time- would God approve?
“Zac,” I said quietly, looking down at my fingers and waiting for the shit to hit the fan. What I was about to ask him would piss him off. Zachary was a vocal atheist.
“Huh,” he grunted as he studied his menu again. He was distracted. Perhaps that was better. Maybe he would casually give me an answer without blowing up.
“I’ve been wondering something for a long time… a really long time in fact.”
He looked up at me and waited. I didn’t realize I was supposed to continue talking just yet. “So what is it?” he said impatiently.
“Well… don’t get mad but…”
He chuckled. “Uh oh. I don’t like conversations that start like that. Tay, if this has to do with Los Angeles and anything that happened in the past two years while we weren’t together, can we wait until after lunch? I don’t feel like having to do an LA debate right now.”
“It doesn’t,” I assured him. Actually, compared to what I was going to ask him, he probably would have rather talked about LA. But I had made up my mind to ask him. And since I finally had worked up the nerves, I wasn’t going to change my mind.
“Just ask me then.”
I cleared my throat. “Zac… I’ve always wondered. If God wanted us to be together, why would we have made us brothers?”
He eyes flickered a bit in anger.
“I mean, don’t you think the fact that God made us brothers is a sign that… well, it isn’t natural for us to do what we do Zachary. Maybe we should take genetics a bit more seriously. Maybe he was trying to tell us something.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t get mad!” I pleaded. “I’m just saying… If God made us brothers, he obviously never wanted us to fall in love.”
Zac shook his head, almost in disbelief. “How long have you been thinking about this, Taylor?”
“I don’t know. For years.”
“We’ve talked about this!” he exclaimed. We both glanced around at the people sitting near by. He lowered his voice to a more subtle growl. “How many conversations did we have in 2000 about the morality of our relationship? Hundreds! We talked about this for hours, Tay. How can you say you are questioning this now? You know that society shouldn’t tell us it’s wrong. You know it’s not fair that just because most people fall in love with their brothers, that doesn’t mean we can’t. You know all of this.”
“We talked about society! But you never really wanted to talk about how God falls into the equation.”
“Cause he doesn’t!”
“Zac,” I sighed. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it after all. Fuck. “Okay, let’s just forget it.”
“Forget it!? Taylor, you’re telling me that every time you kiss me you’re still wondering if it’s wrong. Every time you tell me you love me you’re questioning whether your stupid fucking delusion of a god thinks it’s okay.”
“It’s not a delusion…” I said quietly. I might not go to church on Sunday and read the Bible like I probably should, but God fucking exists. Because of God I was able to survive without Zachary. Because of God, Mom and Dad never rejected us for what happened. Because of God, I moved on after 2000 and made something out of myself.
“If you believe in God, Taylor, then you’re a fool. Because if there was a god, he wouldn’t have let what happened in 2000 happen to us. There wouldn’t have been photographers there and we wouldn’t have lost our career. People wouldn’t say whisper and say shit about us and ostracize us if there was a fucking god.”
I closed my eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths. I did not want to fight with Zachary about theology. Although I hadn’t really had many deep conversations with him over the past few years and we didn’t have to agree on the God issue, but we didn’t need to fight about it. Closing my eyes and just ignoring it all felt better.
“Taylor,” Zac eventually said flatly, the silence obviously bothering him again. Then he sighed and said in a more sensitive tone, “Tay…”
I shook my head and picked up my menu. “Forget it. Just forget I said anything.”
I tried to focus on the menu but I couldn’t read any of it and now I could feel *his* eyes on me.
He sighed again. “Dude, I’m sorry for yelling at you… It’s just…”
“I know,” I cut him off. “You don’t like it when I talk about God.”
He shrugged.
“But if you love me, Zac, you have to accept that about me. I don’t get mad at you when you rant about how much you hate Christianity. So don’t blow up on me just because I have a little faith. It’s not fair.”
He studied his fingers now too and then finally nodded. Wow, Zachary relenting and admitting he was wrong? A rarity, that’s for sure. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I swallowed and then asked quietly, this time even more hesitantly. “Zac… just pretend for a moment there is a God, okay?”
He paused and then grudgingly nodded. It almost looked like it pained him to do so.
“Figuring there is a God… why would he make us brothers if we were meant to fall in love? I mean I know you don’t believe in fate and all of that stuff, but say you do. Why would he do that Zac? Couldn’t the fact that we’re brothers be his warning to us not to think about each other in any other way?”
Zac sat there, watching a group of older women walk by chattering. At first glance, he looked distracted and bored. But I knew him well enough to know that the look in his eyes was a sign of him just contemplating my question.
“I think…” he finally spoke, “I think the complete opposite, Tay.”
His voice was gentle and comforting for the first time during the conversation.
“I think that God, if there was one, made us for each other. I think that this figurative God knew if he didn’t make us brothers, we could have been born miles away from each other. You could have been born into a family in New York and I could be out on the west coast. We might have never found each other.” He cleared his throat. “I think, this God of yours, he didn’t want us to be looking for each other for our entire lives. He wanted more for us. And so when he made us brothers, he was just guaranteeing our love.”
It didn’t completely make sense. There were holes in his logic. I wasn’t sure if he meant it at all or he was just humoring me, but it sounded nice to me and I felt better hearing it. So I nodded. And I believed him. Because finally, after four years since that night that I first wondered, it put the question to bed.
Next update very soon! :)
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no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-02 05:21 am (UTC)I so agree with Zac point of view. And I also think that because of being brothers, their love is even stronger and it will last fore ever. Zac should control his anger a little tho.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-02 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-04 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-12-04 01:44 am (UTC)I'm happy you enjoy the story so far :)
no subject
Date: 2012-12-04 01:45 am (UTC)