teamzaylor: (The Bodyguard)
[personal profile] teamzaylor

Title: THE BODYGUARD
Chapter: 60
Rating: Nc-17
Warnings: Language, Death, Crime
POV: Taylor
Chapter Overview: Link

About the Story:
After the death of their parents, Taylor and Zac went their own way in life. Taylor became a superstar and never thought his chosen profession would bring danger into his life. Blade (Zac) buried the past and lived his life contently in the dark and dirty world as a pimp. Unexpected circumstances bring them together after almost a decade apart. How will they overcome the shadows of the past and move forward?

Special thanks: to itztigress3 for the great help!

Authors Notes: Update Chapter 60! Chapter 61 will be posted in the following days. Enjoy

Taylor

In just one line I probably made everything wrong that I could. When Zac and I arrived back at home, all of my intentions to do the right things seemed to break down as I saw the house in which my wife and my daughter died because of a sick man whom the police couldn't catch yet.

The memories of the recordings of the surveillance video, the story that Zachary didn't see the intruder two days ago, his injuries from the fight and how I am to explain the situation to my parents in law brought me to the verge of despair...

At first, I thought he was just being rude and he couldn't deal with gay men. But then I realized there was more. I could imagine Zac was mad at me, because I expected him to act differently without considering the reason for his behavior and tried to get rid of him in probably the most coward and pathetic way I could do. I hurt someone who already lay broken and injured on the ground.
I didn't intend it, all I wanted was to get him out of the danger zone and I would take all the blame if that might save his life. But the contrary happened. Zachary penetrated my mind and my intentions and instead of achieving anything, I had only hurt and disappointed him even more. I had tried to manipulate him and insulted his intelligence on top of that because of my own insecurities.

I knew that he was full of guilty feelings because of what happened to his friend Santiago and that it was a sensitive subject for him. I wasn't even sure anymore if there was an excuse for my behavior, he saved my life twice, carried me when I was too weak to walk, helped me to get my strength back and all I did was to push him away. I just didn't want him to be in danger. But I knew now my brave younger brother wouldn't run away no matter what happens.

Shortly after we went in the house, I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself that I couldn't even see my own face anymore. I was more ashamed of myself for my cowardly behavior than about the fact that my little brother was my bodyguard.


He didn't seem to be hostile toward Skye because he just didn't like him, he seemed to question Skye's decision why he chose him. That's why my anger turned into shame and guilt when I realized that Zachary acted that way because he was worried about me and was just taking care of me. He didn't intend to hurt me. It’s actually the exact opposite, he was doing everything he can to make sure I don’t get hurt because he felt a sense of responsibility to watch over me. My younger brother had a natural instinct to protect me, that's why he stood up for me. Zachary has always been extremely protective of his family and personal life so I could understand why he was angry. But instead of appreciating his efforts, I had only eyes for his rude manners. I put spokes in his way even though he was fighting for his and my rights. I was too blind to see that all Zac wanted was me being safe and doing well...
I sniffled ashamed. Gosh, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I never wanted to hurt my brother, I just was so sensitive. I
couldn't even ask him to forgive me because to me felt like all I did was wrong. Skye still seemed to be upset that I was mad with him, but I couldn't be considerate about his feelings right now. I felt too guilty about the way I treated Zac. I knew that if there was someone who made him feel like an outcast, it was me; his own brother. I wanted to be a role model for him and in the end it turned out that I hurt and disappointed him even more. I knew that the main reason why someone would feel not accepted or not good enough is when another person makes him feel that way, in which he ignores him or commands him to act differently than he is which causes the feeling of not being accepted. I didn't want to be that kind of brother.

In this insane situation, it was sometimes hard for me to decide what was right and what was not. I could imagine the picture Zachary had gotten from me in the course of time, not only had I left him alone back then, I wasn't there for him in the second and maybe last chance in our lives...

What kind of brother had I become that I couldn't accept and respect that Zac had to go his own way? How could he live out his own personality when I always interfered with his life?

My brother couldn't be an independent minded person if he acted like I wanted. He would become a unhappy, soulless, characterless, unaccepted creature who lived after someone else's imagination which is one of the most cruelest brainfucks you can do to another person. It's no wonder that Zac felt like an outcast because of all my demands and expectations of him without allowing him to be himself... Everyone would prefer to be an outsider in his situation. Non-acceptance is one of the most often reasons families break apart. I didn't want us to be like that. I wanted Zac and me be better than that!

Another thing which made me feel even guiltier about the whole situation was that Zachary had done a better big brother job than I had in the last few days. He
protected me from stress and all the bad things that happened during the day, endured all my up and downs and gave me his back which I didn't give him. While I was always torn in my decisions, he was always constant. Zac didn't spend time with thinking if something was awkward, weird or uncool. He was so strong and assertive in everything he did. He just did things and he did them with hundred percent persuasiveness. I'm not very physically strong, but he is. When I wasn't able to walk he had carried me nearly effortlessly like I was completely weightless. Plus, he stays cool and calm in stressful situations, whereas I turn into a quivering bowl of jelly. I admired Zac for his strong character and consistency.

Sometimes I think we could both be glad that we never went to school and experienced the group pressure school attendees go through. I guessed both of us would have offended our class mates regularly. Me, because of my eagerness to learn everything, my enthusiasm and interest for all kinds of subjects and Zachary for his courage and confidence to speak up. He lived like every moment could be his last one. At first I thought he was crazy not to think about possible consequences, but I never got an impression from him that he didn't know what he did. I always felt safe with him because of the way he took charge. Meanwhile l knew Zac's protective qualities and I had built up enough trust to him to know that he would never bring me in danger on purpose. He was always absolutely convinced in his actions and didn't linger over self-doubts. Sometimes I wished I also could be like that...

I grew up as a polite and decent guy. I liked having decent and cultivated manners and Zachary seemed to like and appreciate me because of that as well. He never gave me the feeling that he didn't accept me for who I am. I remember Skye once said to me that my gentle, unobtrusive appearance is as tender and soft as a feather... I had to admit that I really liked this side of me. I always liked to be soft, gentle and kind. I know that you have to like yourself before you can do anything.

Zachary didn't have the best manners, he could be the master of sarcasm but he did always stand up for his principles. I guess you could say he lack of tact, therefore his braveness was his strength. There were moments in which I found myself admiring him for having the courage to speak out. He takes no shit off nobody and always say things right out. I was really amazed by his confidence and deeply touched by his selflessness. People like him are actually unique these days.
He was temperamental, but never losing his cool. He was always righteous in his anger and strictly dealt with those who were doing wrong. Due to Zac's good knowledge of human nature, I knew that I could trust him, more than I could trust my best friend Skye.

I had to stop thinking about my guilty feelings; I knew I would fall into a big black hole again otherwise and not being able to face Natalie's parents and her brother anymore. As we were in the hallway, I told Skye to go on ahead and excuse me for a minute.

Then I hurried into the kitchen and got an icepack for Zac's cheek. He followed me silently into the bathroom where I took out the dressing material for the wound on his arm. I handed both things to him, unable to look in his eyes. "Do you need help to bandage the wound on your arm?" I asked carefully.


"No, I can do that alone." He replied tonelessly, unbuckling his back pack and putting it in a corner.

"Zachary?" I looked at him with sincere regret.




I knew that if I didn't have the maturity to apologize to him right now, everything that we had achieved in our relationship until this point would be broken at one dash. The cruelty of our situation teared my heart apart. Our relationship was sorely tried because it was put to the most acid test in our lifes...

The fact that he didn't even answer me showed me how much I must have hurt him.

"Please forgive me Zac... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said such things to you. I know that you just wanted to protect me." I whimpered in a soft, child-like voice as he remained silent. It was almost unbearable to me. My eyes welled up and I rubbed my eyes like a kid as a tear ran down my cheek. I always get very easily emotional. I think the best way to describe the feeling in one word is "Innocence". I always tend to feel innocent, yet vulnerable.

A part of me always wanted to keep this feeling of childhood innocence. I know now why it felt like Zac's and my roles were twisted. Not only because of Zac's protective instinct, but I sensed that he must feel like he was always forced to act like a responsible minded, adult person because I was afraid to lose the child inside of me.


"I'm so sorry Zac for making you feel like an outcast. You were right; it was childish to act the way I just did outside. Please know that I'm glad that you are here Zac. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me and even though I know I don't deserve it... I... hope you don't hate me."

I laid my hand on his shoulder but he roughly shrugged it off in an instant.

"All that childish drama would not have been necessary Taylor if you and Skye didn't try to manipulate me. Don't treat me like a fucking idiot just because I'm not like you, Taylor! Your insecurities are your problem, not mine. I’m not going to be in the middle of that. I already told you that I'm not here for fucking dick measuring!"

Zac looked sick and tired. I could hear that it was the pure exhaustion that spoke out of him. He set a firm boundary; I knew I couldn't expect anything more from him. My problem had strained his nerves as much as mine. He had selflessly used all of his patience with me to deal with this sensitive subject and helped me to get used to it. I couldn't blame him that his patience had completely run out by now. I would probably feel the same if I were him.
Meanwhile, he probably thought I was the biggest diva he had ever met because I made such a big fuss about small things while he put his life on the line for me. He had to handle and endure a murder to save his best friend's life and I burdened him with my ego problems on top of that. It was just not very easy to admit that I was more sensitive than my younger brother was. I believe it was Zac's company which made me realize that.

Sensitive people like me have reactions to criticism that is more intense and they cry more easily. I was just afraid that once Zac sees my vulnerable self and notices how sensitive I am and how afraid I am of my stalker which is actually totally normal in my situation that he could never respect me again. He seemed so fearless to me and the way he pretty much didn't give a damn about anything was a combination that awed and intimidated me and didn't really help me to feel better. Meanwhile he probably knew all the little secrets of my sensitivity and had seen the depth of my anxiety because he experienced enough of my wimpishness to figure out that I'm a sensitive guy without me admitting it to him anyway.

"I know. I will not anymore Zac. I promise."

"I wish I could believe that Taylor. Stop fucking trying to act like you know what you want. Coz you don't as long as you try to pretend to be someone else." He shook his head without looking at me while removing his jacket and exposing blood smeared welts and bruises. Zachary has always been very good at assessing people. He seemed to sense that the longer we stayed together, the more broke between us.

He lapsed into a frosty silence and sat down onto the toilet lid to bandage his wound after threwing his jacket on the floor. The kind of quiet that scares a person. My stomach churned as I watched the blood running down his upper arm. The sleeve of his shirt was ripped and blood leaked out of the slash wound on his upper arm. His wound looked bigger than I thought. The guy must have cut him with a knife, yet Zac hadn't mentioned one single word about how badly it must hurt. I swallowed a few times before I could speak again.

"Do you... do you... need a clean shirt?"

"No. I have my own clothes."

"Okay, do you need anything else?"

"Taylor, just leave
me alone! I'm not in the mood to talk with you right now!" Zac's answer came with such firm emphasis that I shied away a little. I nodded diffidently and averted my eyes from his arm because I couldn't bear the sight of blood very well. It felt like I was being sucked into a swirl of guilt just by seeing his injury.

"I just wanted to say sorry Zac. I can imagine what you must think of me. I'm just afraid of so many things. I'm just so scared to touch happiness only to have it taken away again. Maybe that is why I push everyone away and maybe that's why I'm so guarded. I just don't think I can even touch it without love and I don't know how to love not at all..."

"I know that you are a sensitive guy Taylor but you can't always use your fear of other people opinions as an excuse to treat your own brother like an outsider. No matter how sweet and innocent your appearance is and how fucking flowery your language is. An apology means nothing if you don't stop doing what you are apologizing for! " Unlike me Zac always put it plain and simple.

"I know Zac. Sorry for being such a sensitive pussy... I know I don't deserve you."
I awkwardly whispered and he groaned irritated and annoyed.

"How many times do I have to tell you that your fucking pussiness is not the problem Taylor. You let yourself be influenced by others negativity and stupid prejudiced opinions. That's what the fucking problem is!" Zachary was yelling his anger out now and his carotid artery seemed to burst. Suddenly he stood up, raised his fist and brutally threw it against the wall mirror that it smashed to smithers. I intimidated jumped back, put my pale hands over my face, palms outward and whimpered timidly as broken mirror shards and some drops of blood from his arm splashed around the room.

I got afraid easily. But how could I blame Zac's for his anger? I knew he was right and I wished from all my heart that I could do anything to change my mind and deal with the fact that my little brother protected me, but I could already feel the heat creeping up my neck and inflaming my cheeks when he shouted my 'pussiness' and spoke a silent prayer that no one heard him despite the closed bathroom door.

Twenty four hours ago I surely would have nagged about my broken mirror and the shards on the floor, but this time I only felt guilty and rueful.

"Your violence is intimidating Zac." It was all I quietly said even though it was clear that I was the one who pissed him off so much.

He shot me an angry look. "Oh yeah? Then you should learn something if no one else raised you in your glassy fairy castle, Taylor. Animals have feelings too!" He barked back with the same aggression. I sensed that Zachary didn't mean only himself with 'animal' but also Bandito and what I had said about them.

"I didn't mean to hurt you Zac. Please believe me." I shyly said and choked back a sob. Sometimes I felt like a soft cotton ball compared to his asperity of manner. While I was a peaceful, gentle guy Zac was that wild, untamed lion who acted like a big boss. I guessed he knew who wears the pants in this house and it sure as heck isn't me.


"If I were here earlier, some things would definitely go very differently. That's for sure. Coz a big brother is exactly what you need Taylor. Someone who teaches you lessons until you've finally learned which consequences your selfish, superficial behavior has. It's high time that the wind blows from a different quarter!" He answered brusquely, always full of energy. It was still a little unfamiliar to have a bossy brother like Zac. When he talked to me, I often forgot our age difference because he always talked like he was an adult person and I was a child. I felt like I was getting raised by my little brother. Worse, I couldn't even blame him.

"Taylor? Where are you?" I suddenly heard Skye's voice calling for me from the living room and I wobbled to and fro between Zac and the bathroom door. I guessed he must have heard Zac's outburst of anger.

"Zac... I know there some things that are very hard for me and I really need to learn... but I want to do something to make our situation better and to smooth down our differences. Please tell me what I can do..
. I don't want to disappoint you again." I meekly pleaded as mild as a dove.

"No I won't Taylor. You gotta find that out for yourself! You're twenty seven years old and it's about time for you to jump over your fucking shadow! And now get the fuck out of here, before I do and say something unkind. This is a critical time, Taylor. Don't let your family in law waiting for you! Have some respect and act accordingly!"

He commanded loudly in his bossy tone. Zac was like a big brother, I've never had one... He's been teaching me ever since we met and always seemed to know very well what he did. Blade's character was shaped by his Army experiences, he was my bodyguard and he was a soldier. But even when Zac was younger he shouted at people like he's in the Army. He had a naturally dominant personality.
He conveyed his sayings with such a resolute dominance in his soldier tone that I didn't even dare to contradict to him. When he talked to me like that, I nearly felt like he expected me to salute him and call him 'sir' or 'seargeant.' I don't know why, but being passive for so many hours had somehow sapped the will to stand up for myself. All I did was to hung my head and obey.

"Yeah Zachary." I hung my head and nodded. I just couldn't argue with him anymore, I felt too guilty about what I had done. Besides that, it wasn't the right time to argue. Obediently and demurely I did what my younger brother told me. I hadn't even noticed how tame and docile I had become. With all the stress on me, and the constant feeling of guilt wearing down my will, I felt much more emotionally sensitive these days. Sometimes all it took was a stern look from Zac to bring me to tears and make me feel incredibly guilty.

When did it start that my little brother gave the orders and I demurely obliged? I couldn't remember. But I just couldn't be mad with him after everything he did for me. Besides that, Zac's bossy acting was always reasonable, he did it in a very natural manner and never acted that way without a good reason. His violent outbursts intimidated me when he was brutal and aggressive like that, but I knew and I understood that it's neccessary to be intimidating to protect someone. And to be fair, I also knew that Zachary's anger was justified. I believe Zac sensed that I really needed a caring dominant person in my life, not someone who taught me to follow orders but someone who didn't let me get away with everything and reminded me that it's not all about me. I felt some confusion being under the complete control of my increasingly dominant little brother and always wondered what was he going to do to me next?

Oh well, for now I knew better than continue arguing with him so I went out of the bathroom and timidly closed the door as quiet as possible after wiping my tear away. As I walked through the hallway I noticed that the floor on the whole ground floor and the kitchen was cleaned.
The clicking of my heels on the floor seemed so loud. It felt different to be here again. More liveless than before. I couldn't describe it but I found myself walking nearly tip-toe to compensate. The quiet atmosphere reminded me of the time after my parents died...

On the tables stood vases with white roses and on the door hung a black crape. The back door was replaced and no wood chippings lay on the floor anymore which reminded anyone of the terrifying incident from last night. I immediately knew that Skye and Andrew did these things. Like they had promised they had arranged the matters properly and prepared the house during my absence, so that I could meet Natalie's parents in an appropriate atmosphere. Assuming, that was possible at all. I couldn't really tell if it mattered or not in this situation but I appreciated Skye and Andrew's efforts anyway. I didn't want to appear to be lacking respect toward my parents and brother in law.

As I came into the living room Skye was the first one who came to me. He quietly excused himself before he whispered a few words to me that he would make tea and coffee for us in the meantime. He probably didn't want to meddle in our family affairs, so I thanked him and welcomed Natalie's parents Pam and James and her brother Matt after that. They sat on the couch in the living room talking to Officer Wright and Andrew; all of them were dressed in black mourning clothes like me.

Their greeting was restrained, but I hadn't expected anything, really. They looked harassed, upset and tired at the same time. I sat next to them after a quick exchange of condolence wishes. Officer Wright had a document folder in his hands and looked like a referee the way he sat opposite us.

"Hello Mr. Hanson. Glad you're home." Officer Wright sounded more sympathetic this time than two days ago.

"Thanks." I cleared my throat to speak firmly. "I'm hoping you have some news for us in this case."

"Yeah I'm aware." He replied, the lack of confidence in his tone discouraged me though.

"That useless police officer already told us there's nothing new in this case." James, Natalie's dad interrupted annoyed. I honestly couldn't really say what I expected from this moment. It still felt so unreal. I momentarily found myself in daydreams and moments in which I thought that Natalie would come downstairs, healthy and still alive. I still didn't want it to be real that she and my baby weren't there anymore.

Maybe I should have been relieved that my family in law did not seem to focus their anger and blame on me. Or that I would feel satisfaction that Detective Wright who didn't show any understanding last time for my miserable condition was now in the situation in which he was confronted with questions but I didn't feel anything of that. All I felt was the same annoyance and grief that Natalie's family felt. I thought this couldn't be true.

"That's not true. We have a composite sketch of the culprit. We have dealt with stalking cases like this. The problem is we cannot really say what that man wants from you. Most stalkers have sexual intentions, if they don't get what they want they become dangerous and violent. They live in a whole 'nother world and it's difficult to say what the person wants from you. For now we can only say that this man does not seem to be interested in money."

"He turned and pointed on the TV behind him which showed a freezed image of the culprit. But there was not more than I already seen before.

"His is about 6 feet tall, approximately between 35 - 45 years old and has shoe size 12."


Even though I already had seen the surveillance video a cold shiver ran down my spine at the black frame of my creepy stalker. If Zac were here now, he surely would have prevented me from watching it again. I actually wished in this moment he would have done it.

"I know that that person is obsessed with me, but this description can be anybody!" I shook my head, unable to hide my annoyance. "Can you please turn it off Andrew? I don't need to see that again." I said, shaking my head in disappointment.

"What about the autopsy result? Is there nothing new?" Nat's mother Pam threatened to burst into tears and leaned her head against her husband's shoulder who laid his arm around her as she began to sob.

"The autopsy confirmed that Mrs. Hanson died from a broken neck and death was quick, she did not suffer. However, we are unsure if she was pushed down the stairs or if he accidentally fell down them. There were no signs of violence on her body, no bruises or marks that indicate she was pushed."


"My poor sister..." Matt who had sat there silently couldn't hide his disappointment anymore either.

"It's not only my wife who died here, my baby too." I exclaimed angrily. Why were there no results in this case? That the culprit would be arrested and Zac and I would be out of danger.

Detective Wright looked at me totally surprised after that. He opened up the documents folder he carried and looked on the autopsy report.

"No, Mrs. Hanson wasn't pregnant." He said and shook his head.

She. was. not. ? I didn't know what to say. I was speechless, taken aback. Where they fooling me?

"That must be a mistake. She was three months pregnant. We were having a daughter. She just told me about it a few days ago."

I didn't know if Natalie's parents knew about it already, because I couldn't talk with them in the meantime. They looked at me shocked and speechless alternating from me to Officer Wright, than back to me. From their surprised looks I understood they obviously did not know about it.

"I can assure you she was not pregnant Mr. Hanson."

"But...that can't be true."

What was going on here? My baby girl... my Hope Alexandria had never existed?

"I have the autopsy report here, I can't give you the documents yet but I can officially tell you that she was definitely not pregnant."

I wanted to disappear. I didn't know if there were words with which I could describe my emotions in this situation. Taken aback would have been a large understatement. Maybe I should have been glad and relieved that my baby wasn't killed because it didn't even exist at all but I already had felt fatherly feelings for her... I had seen myself in happier times playing with my little child and Natalie and I as parents.


I've been thinking about that and every time it almost brings to tears to my eyes. I have a weakness for small, intimate moments a parent and child can share. I could go on and on and on about all the things that I cherish. Am I am more sensitive to the simple joys and pleasures a child brings because Natalie and I didn't have a moment with our first daughter? Has that made me more appreciative of these tender moments?

Call me a softie, that's okay. Being called a softie is a price I would have been willing to pay for tender moments with my daughter.

The news that she never existed made me feel so sad, empty and disappointed that I wished to end this conversation at this point because I couldn't say how much I could bear.

"Were there any plausible reasons why she told you she was pregnant even though she wasn't, Mr. Hanson?"

I shrugged because I couldn't answer him. I already told him that Natalie and mine relationship was broken, so what was the point in telling him again?

The next minutes passed by like in a dream state. Officer Whatever stood up and said goodbye to us shortly after that, left us back in our sorrow. I saw him talking to Zac in the hallway, he probably informed him about the same before he left.

Skye came in the living room, carrying a tray with tea and coffee cups. He wanted to go out of the room after silently putting it down on the table, but I grabbed his hand and told him to stay. He shouldn't feel like an outcast after everything he had done for me.

"Taylor, I don't know if it's the right time to say that but you know, you told me to arrange the preparations for Nat's memorial and I have a catalogue here with casket. Maybe you and your in laws want to take a look at them and pick one." He laid a catalogue in my lap so carefully as if it was a fragile egg after sitting down next to me.

"Taylor, would it be okay if we do that? It would mean very much to us." James and his wife were looking at me pleadingly and expectantly. The pain was clearly visible in their hurt expressions because of the disappointing news from the police. I could understand them so well...

I respected the last wish for their daughter so I agreed and handed the catalogue to them. I was thankful that they did not blame me for what happened because it would have made the pain for me even bigger.

Still, I was not over the fact that Natalie wasn't pregnant.


Why did she lie? What was her point? Did she not want a divorce from me? So she committed herself to me?

Instead of getting any news, I was left with even more questions than before. Skye wanted to be there for me, to comfort me but I actually found myself not wanting his comfort. I realized that it was because we hadn't talked yet, so I couldn't ask him why he didn't tell me about the reason he hired Zac. Skye was so careful and considerate with me because of what happened that I actually found myself missing Zac's bluntness. It was weird to think of it but he actually made me feel more like a human and not like a piece of cotton. My life was so quiet and incomplete without him.

Even though it was only a few hours since we reconciled I had experienced so many things with him already. Or maybe it just felt like that to me because I desperately wanted to catch up the missing years with him. We were only a few minutes separated and I already found myself missing him. Because of Zac's unblemished truth he gave me the feeling that I didn't need to pretend to be someone else which is what I had done for much too long since Natalie's and my marriage slowly broke down...

Since my wife and I became estranged I felt that I needed a touchstone in my life. A constant, a person who completes me and makes me whole. I just didn't expect that my younger brother would be that person.

With him I could be just Taylor. I wanted somebody to comfort me, but I didn't want Skye doing that. I wanted to be comforted by Zac.

I wanted us to comfort each other.

*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
video/music inspiration for this Chapter:

Taylor Hanson - Dreamland (piano ballad by Michael Gundlach)



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