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[personal profile] teamzaylor
Chapter: 48
Rating: Nc-17
Warnings: Language, Death, Crime
POV: Blade / Taylor
Chapter Overview: Link

About the Story: The death of their parents broke Taylor and Zac apart. Each of them went his own way of life, Taylor became a famous superstar and never thought that his profession would bring his life in danger someday. Blade (Zac) buried the past and lived his life contentedly in his dark and dirty world as a pimp. Because of some unexpected circumstances Blade got hired as Taylor's bodyguard and the brothers saw each other for the first time after almost a decade.
How will they overcome the shadows of the past?

Authors Notes:
Sorry for the delay, here's Chapter 48! Chapter 49 in the following days. Enjoy ♡

Special thanks to: my brother who gave me some ideas for this Chapter (Zaylorgirl2)

previous Chapter 47                                                                                                                                                                next Chapter 49


I quickly started the engine to drive us away from the screaming crowd which couldn't stop taking pictures of my brother and tapping with their hands against the car windows once we got in. Actually, you could still hear the screaming very well from within the car. It was as if no walls were separating us from the insane fan posse outside.
As fast as possible, I pulled us away from the gaggle of people before they'd try to follow us.


Bandito was barking until they were out of sight and Taylor sat on the other side in the passenger seat, his elbow leaned on the window frame. He looked tired and pale from the recent series of events, his eyes were closed and I knew that he was trying to shut down everything around him.


"Taylor? How do you feel? Are you okay?"

No answer.

"Taylor, I asked you a question."

"Not now, Blade. Not now," he tiredly answered.

"Seriously Taylor, we need to talk!"

"I'm tired Blade. My body is tired and I'm emotionally drained. I'm too broken right now to recover. I don't want to talk. So please just keep silent ok? I really don't wanna hear anything right now."

I could hear his exhaustion and burnout in every word that he spoke and I wanted to be there for him, but I felt that he didn't want me to care about him. It disappointed me that he refused me once again but I already expected it.

'Cause what had I achieved with my temper tantrums in the last couple of days?


I wanted to show him understanding for his situation and not to put him under pressure in hope to win his trust, even though I didn't know how to understand something of which I didn't even know what was to understand. I hung in the air somewhere between secrets and truth which was a pretty fucked up situation to say the least, but because of Taylor's current condition I was willing to wait for him until he was ready to talk about it with me.

At the moment, there were other things which were more important to resolve anyway. My bad forebodings unfortunately came true as I experienced how a mob of crazy fans came at my fragile brother of whom nobody knew how much longer he could withstand that situation. Though it wasn't his overzealous fans which caused difficulties, it was the trust that Taylor and me were trying to build up, which wasn't strong enough yet and this little brother - older brother thing that had developed into a serious problem between us.

To be honest, I still completely failed to understand why Taylor felt so ashamed of me. He was steadily embarrassed because of me and I couldn't understand why. Apparently, he considered it as not cool to get help from his little brother, I didn't know.

I had no idea if I'd ever understand it, coz I never gave a fuck about what's cool and what's not.

What I knew was that, I really didn't like to get judged because of my age, coz I know that skills have nothing to do with it. And if older siblings, or people in general can't feel thankful when they get help, just because it didn't happen in the coolest way, that's pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Even though we're both adults and actually it shouldn't matter anymore, but yet I felt judged by Taylor because of my age. I wanted to help him to get used to me that he could be safe and comfortable with me but it turned out more difficult than I expected.

He had pulled an I-pod out of his shoulder bag and the earplugs were plugged in his ears that he wouldn't need to talk and listen to me.


I contemplated for a moment what to do, we were on the highway at full speed. As usual, I couldn't fucking help but to do the first thing which popped into my mind. It's probably a bad habit to be that impatient like I am, but it's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I always have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And I may as well do it now. 'Cause generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.

So I did the first best thing, wound down the window next to me a bit, grabbed Taylor's I-pod and threw it out the window. He turned to me and looked
aghast for a moment as if he couldn't believe what I just did before he narrowed his eyes at me.

"What's all this crap? That was my fucking I-pod Blade! Seriously, which zoo did release you ANIMAL?!?"

He shouted angrily, but I sensed that he was just trying to make me mad that I would leave him in his Taylor world. To push me away like he did nine years ago, when he also didn't want to talk with me about our parents death. But I wasn't that teenager anymore. Not again would I let him push me away like that! Even if he considered me as the most primitive knuckle dragger he had ever met.

"You can have my I-pod or I'll buy you a new one Taylor, but we really have to talk now!"

"No! You respect no one and nothing and I don't want to talk anymore with such a rude and respectless person!" He complained vehemently.

Sure, I couldn't tell if it was right to throw everything that pissed me off out of the window and if my impatience which didn't hang about something if a quick solution was needed was an excuse for it, but this car drive to Santiago's bar where Taylor finally should eat something before he would break down completely
and where I would commit Bandito to Santiago's and Nathaniel's care was my last chance to try to solve some things alone with him of which we really had to talk about.

Even though Santiago was like a father to me, I couldn't say if Taylor would immediately feel comfortable in a company with someone who was a stranger for him. So I couldn't miss this chance.

I hoped that Taylor would realize how much I needed him to talk with me right now. I didn't reproach him that he didn't wait for me, because I knew that if we would have had a better start, maybe he had trusted me earlier. I felt sorry for him that he had to went through this bad experience without me by his side.  Besides, it was the first time in the last nine years that Taylor showed me that I really mattered for him. Not only through tears, he wanted to come to help me. How could I not appreciate that?!

He shouldn't think that I was the only one who was competent for feats.

If Taylor was a random client, I would have informed him about the danger of that situation at this point. But Taylor was not a random client, he was my older brother and even though I couldn't give less fucks about our small age difference, it wouldn't work if he felt treated like he was a ignorant child. We were grown up and I didn't want to make him feel that way.

I didn't need to repeat how dangerous the situation outside has been for him. Taylor might have been trampled. Or kidnapped. Or killed.

Both of us knew it. I was scared for him like he was for me.
I really hoped that something like that wouldn't happen again.

However, I knew we both had some undigest bullshit in our lives and this wasn't a competition who of us got the worst lot.

I didn't want to lose him again.

But how could I reach him? Sentimentalism wasn't exactly a strength of mine...



I wished myself back to the time when things were fine. Zachary wanted to talk with me but I felt so exhausted from everything that I just wanted to sleep. To sleep to escape from reality.

It would have been nice to forget everything for a little while...

Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep right now though, so I tried to fill the gaping hole in my chest with music instead, in hope it would make this whole thing less painful...

I almost couldn't believe it when Zachary threw my I-pod out the window. If there's one thing I learned in the last few days about my younger brother was to always expect the unexpected. Every time he becomes aggressive, he begins to throw or break things. We wouldn't get along if he'd remain respectless like that, not to me and not to other people. We definitely would have to work on his bad manners in the future, that's for sure!

But at the moment I felt too broken to care about it. There were other things which bothered me than that. It depressed and frustrated me that I couldn't be what I should be. Not for my wife, not for my baby, not for Zachary. That I couldn't be what I want. I was just so damn tired. I didn't want to hear anything right now.

My little brother saved me out of the hysterical fan crowd and proved me that he was able to take care of me. Better than I currently could. I had to admit that in the end I didn't care anymore who he was. I just wanted to get rescued by anyone. But from that moment, he was there and brought me back into his car, I felt like such a Loser again. The voice in my head which told me what a pathetic, careless Loser I was.

Why was it so hard for me to admit to him that I was so weak in my current state? Why was everything I wanted to do such an exhausting, unnerving fight?

When I was so sad and disappointed from myself, I didn't actually know how to function. I just sat there, feeling numb. And now in this inferior position, I was waiting for my little brother beginning to reprimand me for my imprudent decision to go out and risk my life.

But he didn't say anything for a while. Instead, a silence filled the air between Zac and me of which I was glad about.
I thought he had finally accepted my wish for some silence until I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"I really need to talk with you Taylor." He approached me again.

I shrugged his hand off me, opened my eyes and turned to him.

"Oh yeah that you can tell me how stupid and naive I was that I wanted to come for you to help? Don't worry Blade, it won't happen again. Next time I'll hopefully lose my consciousness because of fear and shame before I have to shout for your help again!"

I bickered embittered, unable to keep a whining tone from entering my voice. Why was he forcing me to this? Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

"Don't do that Taylor. Don't do that to me again." He said calmly. He reminded me that I owed to talk with him so bad but I was feeling so sick and tired of everything that I didn't know how to deal with him right now. How could I still be myself after everything that happened?

"What the fuck do you want from me Blade? Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone! I just want to skip the bullshit for a while."

I hurted myself, I hurted him as I pushed him away once again. I didn't even mean it, but I felt so completely defeated that I just couldn't deal with him right now. I felt like I was in a state of undeserved mercy and couldn't find a way how to get out of it.

"I just want to be left alone Blade. I don't want to feel that way anymore. You witness me in the most awkward and embarrassing situations, so I hope that you get at least your satisfaction. Yes, you saved me out of that throng of people, but I'm not going to kiss your ass for that! So excuse me that I'm not gonna give you a fucking gold medal!"

I shouted bitterly with my last strengths. I didn't know if my words hurt him, but honestly, I was too exhausted to actually care at that moment. Coz I'd give anything for a little peace. As I felt a hard lump building up in my throat, I internally knew that I probably just hurt myself more than him. Deep down, it made me sick that all this shit occupied my mind, even though all I wanted was to grieve in peace about my wife and my baby.

"What the fuck Taylor?! I'm not here to prove that I'm stronger than you, to play your own personal superhero or whatever the fucking fuck! Don't fuck with my feelings just because you're unsure of your own!"

He sounded serious but I wasn't finished yet. I didn't even know what sort of language was that to use the way he talked. I wasn't used to such an ordinary behavior.

I had lost my pregnant wife, my pride and I felt like I had nothing more to lose and nothing to give. I was too humilated and mortified about the situation which just happened.
Sometimes everyone has had enough. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore.

"Or what? Will you shout at me again like a drill Sergeant? Coz being violent and brutal is apparently all you can Blade."

I shouted in a higher pitch, purposefully trying to make him mad. I didn't mean it and deep down I hoped he knew that, I just wished he would leave me in my own thoughts.  After all I went through, it was my pain, my sorrow, my fear which cried out of me. My voice probably couldn't even hide my pain, but after everything that happened, it didn't matter for me anymore. 'Cause when I get so sad, like I was now, I wanted to completely shut down. I stare blankly into the distance and it didn't matter what I said or what he said, because in those moments, I don't exist. I wished I could lay in my bed, for hours in the dark and never get up.

Zac let out a heavy sigh before he spoke again.

"You're unfair Taylor and don't try to tell me you wouldn't know that! I just saved your girly princess ass out of your hysterical fan crowd and now you're treating me like dog shit. Are you mad that I didn't appear with a golden carriage and a hand kiss to be worthy enough for you?!?"

"Could you please use a less vulgar language when you're speaking with me? I'm not used to that ordinary street slang." I moaned exhausted. Why were we such a headache for each other?

"Not as long as long as you don't stop taking it out on me and give me no explanation." He said but I didn't reply and continued sulking.

"We gotta talk right fucking now!" He proclaimed resolutely and shot me an irritated look as he drove to the highway. I just sat there, clasping my arms tightly around my waist, trying to ignore the reality.

"Ok Taylor, listen up. Don't think I didn't see how you tried to hide your face into my shoulder. I thought you wanted my help to show me your appreciation for all that I'm doing for you. I did you a favor by letting you wait for me in the safety of the barber's shop and getting the car for you. I don't think trying to hide your pretty face into my shoulder and ignoring me shows any sign of respect or appreciation. Don't you think you can be glad you're still alive?!? Would you rather have died out there to keep your damn pride upright?"

"No..." I didn't know how to explain it, nor I thought he would understand it. I had a little brother who was making my job and it was like he already found his place and his position while I was stuck in a cloud of confusion. I could see and sense that Zac was losing his patience because he was breathing through his nose like a bull about to charge.

"Then stop fucking pouting like a defiant child, Taylor!"

"Stop you lecturing me like you would be my big brother!"

All of a sudden, we were two arguing brothers in a circle without an ending.

Isn't it weird how even arguing can give you a feeling of familiarity sometimes?

Maybe, I might even have laughed about our comments if the entire situation wouldn't have been so strange and serious.

He averted his eyes from me after that and focussed on the traffic outside the street again.

"I sure as hell don't understand why you are so embarrassed by me, Taylor. Is it not cool to get rescued by your little brother? I don't expect you to thank me, but if you can't appreciate anything I do for you, just because of the fact that I'm your little brother, I think that is pretty fucked up!"

He said firmly, as if he was thinking out loud. I knew Zachary hardly could hide what he thinks when he didn't like something and this time wasn't an exception. He was always so bossy towards me. If only he could understand how difficult the situation was for me. I never wanted us to be this way. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't thankful that he saved me. I was.

It surprised me that he didn't expect me to thank him though.

"You don't expect me to thank you?" I frowned at him.

"I don't think I need to beg for your appreciation if you don't know it yourself. I assume you wouldn't just as little.
If you don't feel it, I can do very well without feigned gratefulness. 'Cause I don't put value on a thank you that is not honest. Furthermore, it's more important that you trust me than that you thank me."

Zac's typical directness made no bones about it and he made his position straight-out clear to me.

What I actually needed was recognition. To get finally rid off of that uncomfortable feeling which always made me feel ashamed and embarrassed around him. It had overtaken me like a disease of which I didn't know how to get rid off.

"You act like it's you against the world, but it's really just you against yourself." He spoke again.

"Oh Congratulations to that wise realization Blade!" I replied sarcastically.

It sounded all so easy out of his mouth, but was so difficult to put into practice.
He couldn't know how I felt, he wasn't in my situation. But why wasn't he getting angry this time? I didn't know if I should be confused about it or even more mad.

"I know that I'm probably not the best companion when it comes to talk about things like that Taylor, but I want you to give me chance to understand what's going on with you and to talk with me, because I really don't fucking get it." He approached me again and looked at me expectantly after that.

I kept silent for a while and I felt that he was waiting for me to talk with him. I also knew that we couldn't go on like that. Usually, I wouldn't even have a problem to talk about emotional things like that. If only I could talk about them with Skye, I knew it wouldn't be as half as difficult. My little brother usually wasn't someone with whom I talked about awkward, touchy subjects like that.

But I couldn't deny that he was here, and even though he acted like a crazed animal, he was here and he was willing to listen. I didn't want him to think that I judged him because of his age.
I didn't even know about myself that I would have such problems to deal with it. A part of my sensitivity was caused by my fear of losing Zac's and everyone else's respect, the other part because of the distance that nine years of being seperated had caused and still lay between us...

Maybe, our age difference wouldn't matter for me if we didn't grew up apart. We both skipped a big part of our youth and now all of a sudden, we were together again in this extraordinary situation. I guess, I just needed some time to realize that my little brother had became an adult because of the missing years we had from each other.

I also knew that we could never clarify the things between us if we wouldn't face the problem. We couldn't solve it with saying nothing to each other to just get over it. It was my turn to make the first step to open up to him...

Unaware, I fumbled at my fingernails as I met his stare. "Sorry, I didn't want that to happen Blade..." I finally said quietly. "Having a bodyguard is making me realize how defenseless and vulnerable I am. It's not easy to me. But I know now that your job isn't easy too."

"I know Taylor. I didn't want that to happen either. I wanted to be back quicker, but some dumbasses crossed my way, so I had to get rid off them first."

"Yeah, I've seen what happened from inside the window. I was worried for you Blade coz I've seen you in the crowd fighting with two guys and wanted to come to help you. I already know it was a dumb decision..."

"I was scared for you too Taylor. What you did wasn't dumb, I know that you did it coz you cared for me, but you don't need to help me doing my job. You know that I am here to handle the dirty shit in your life."

"But that shouldn't have happened! I wanted to come for you to help but I couldn't do anything to help you Blade. So that doesn't count." I pouted in self pity at the last sentence, pursing my lips. Sometimes I just tend to be a little child like.

"It counts for me Taylor." He said and touched my shoulder in a protective and brotherly way for a short moment. It meant a lot for me that he said that.
I swallowed a hard lump away to continue talking.

"Back then, I failed as your big brother and now instead of make up to you, I let you take care of me which feels for me like I would fail again. Can you imagine how I feel because of that? It makes me feel like a total Loser."

"To accept help makes no one a Loser, Taylor! Besides that, if there's a Loser in our family, it's certainly not you."

He responded, then suddenly made a pause to rub his eyes and to make a disgusting odd sniffling noise with his nose before he continued. It was as if he had persistent rhinitis, even his eyes were itchy and looked a little red. He tried to make me feel better even though I should do it for him after what he just did for me but Zac must have realized that I was in a very sensitive, vulnerable state.

"Anyway! Why don't you just leave it to me to take care of you?"

"Coz it's not right for Heaven's Sake! Older siblings protect their younger siblings, not the contrary!" I protested, even though I already felt that my objections had began to fade. The incident had confirmed that he was capable of doing his job. I had seen it with my own eyes how easily he dealt with the two men who attacked him.

I didn't know how he did it, but he managed it to bring me safely and unharmed out of the crowd to his car, opened the door for me and let me getting in. He didn't let go off me until I was in his car and I have never been so glad to be back in safety.

"Why the fuck do you always assess me just because I'm two years younger than you? Skills have nothing to do with age!" He frowned at me irritated.

I even agreed with him on that part. As a songwriter and musician who already started making music at a young age, I already came to known how unnerving it could be if my music and my lyrics were judged and not taken serious because of my young age back then. But still, this situation wasn't comparable for me. Coz it doesn't bring anyone in danger when I write a song. And it also didn't feel that weird and awkward for me.

"It's just... I feel so ashamed because of you. You are my little brother. Even though our age difference is not big, I'll always be your big brother. No matter what we do. Nothing can change that." I confessed my honest feelings to him ruefully.

"Who gives a shit? Meanwhile we're adults and there's no fucking law that says who should protect whom in a family."

He responded indifferently, took his Ray Ban's off and threw them on the dashboard.

"I... I just don't want you to think of me as non-independent person Za- I mean Blade." I admitted almost inaudible. I just didn't know how he could ever look up to me when he protected me. He had seen me squirming and whimpering, crying and fainting like a sensitive girl and now even shouting for his help.

"Why do you think I would do that? Your dependence from me has nothing to do with that. Such blows of fate can break down the hardest and toughest man!"

There was truth in his words and they increased my confidence to continue this discussion with him.

"You don't just say that just to make me feel better?"

"Have you ever known me lying to you? You can trust me Taylor that I'm honest."

A little relieved smile formed acrossed my lips. I had to admit that no matter how bad Blade's manners were, his clarity and directness was was like balm for my broken soul. And it gave me the courage to speak out what was bothering me. Coz if there was someone who deserved me to open up it was definitely Zac. I let out a deep sigh before I spoke again.

"I guess what I really need to know is can you still respect me too even though, you... uhm you know... take care of me?" I asked with a feebly voice.
My cheeks were reddening more just like the words which were getting more quiet every time I opened I mouth.

Never ever would I have thought that I would ever ask my little brother such a question.

Was it egoistical? Was it selfish? It was beyond question for me that Zachary's security was always the highest priority. But it was also one of the things of which we needed to attempt for a solution for now. Coz without knowing that, I would always feel unsure if there was a possibility at all if I could ever make up to him. For the past. That's why this question was so important for me.

It was one of those questions whose answer would make things better or worse for me. It would always remain a problem if I wouldn't find a way to get over it.
I realized it was his affirmation which I needed to break out of the cycle that I had built up around me.

There were still so many things to clarify between us. And we were just at the beginning.

"Of course I can." He answered without hesitation.

Because of Zachary by my side, the black hole in me slowly began to fade away. I knew that our cooperation and relationship as brothers could never work if that younger brother - older brother remains a problem between the two of us. It was not a problem that Zac had, it was a problem that I had and I was the one who had to find a way to deal with him. Zac was here and he gave me time to get better. With him I was hopeful I would get better soon.

"I didn't expect to feel so weak and helpless without a bodyguard within the crowd..." I sighed, sinking back into the seat.

"That's why I'm here Taylor.
I won't allow anyone hurt or kidnap you." He said in strongest terms and looked over to me.

"You...really mean what you say?" I responded insecure, shyly glancing over to him.

"Every fucking word."
He answered, never losing his natural confidence and resoluteness.

Zac actually managed to make me feel better, his assurances were holding me and keeping me upright because of his protective presence and aside from my worries I began to feel amazement and a deep gratitude towards him.

"I'm glad you're here Blade." I said, allowing myself some relief.

"We are brothers and that's all that matters, Taylor."

"Yes we are." I nodded, finally feeling more at ease.

During the last couple of days, I felt like I was drowning in an ocean. That all the things which I experienced slowly engulfed me. But there was someone who held me, someone who didn't want to let go off me.

My little brother Zachary.

previous Chapter 47                                                                                                                                                                next Chapter 49

Chapter Overview: Link

Date: 2014-09-02 11:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
omg! omg! So many emotions! So typical of Blade to throw Taylor's I-Pod out the window Lol It was a little rough of him to do that, but I'm glad that he could find a connection to talk with Taylor. I love the insights of their feelings and the conversations they have. And I hope Taylor will get better soon.


Date: 2014-09-03 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
uhm wow! This has taken an unexpected turn. I loved their inner monolgues.
Taylor does fight so much with himself. He's like a fallen angel, even when he's angry.
I'm glad Blade didn't let go off him. Yes, I think there's hope for them. :)

Date: 2014-09-17 02:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I missed this fic so much that i actually started reading And With Each Mile, and I totally broke because I didn't know it wasn't finished. Still so sad about it.

Date: 2014-09-17 10:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
aaww you're so welcome!! Thank you soo much for your kind words!! ♡♡♡ It means a lot! And thanks for reading "And with each Mile" too, even though it's still unfinished. I can't say yet when we'll have another And with each Mile Update, but we'll not forget about to finish that story. What I can promise is that "The Bodyguard" will always get updated regularly. :)

Thank you again for your feedback, so happy you enjoy reading our fics! ♡♡♡


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December 2015


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