teamzaylor: (Zaylor - black & white)
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Title: THE BODYGUARD
Chapter: 44
Rating: Nc-17
Warnings: Language, Death, Crime
Chapter Overview: Link

About the Story: The death of their parents broke Taylor and Zac apart. Each of them went his own way of life, Taylor became a famous superstar and never thought that his profession would bring his life in danger someday. Blade (Zac) buried the past and lived his life contentedly in his dark and dirty world as a pimp. Because of some unexpected circumstances Blade got hired as Taylor's bodyguard and the brothers saw each other for the first time after almost a decade.
How will they overcome the shadows of the past?

Authors Notes:
Here's the next Chapter of TB! :)

Please use the Chapter Overview or our inserted Links which will forward you to the next Chapter in the right order.

previous Chapter 43                                                                                                                                                               next Chapter 45

Taylor

"I said I had no idea," I whispered. "I really thought you would already known about it for a long time..."

I needed a moment to digest his sayings. When our parents died, I remembered I was so in shock that I couldn't speak with anyone for several days. And I thought Zachary would hate me because of his accusation that they died because of my music carreer...

That was what I thought of him for the last nine years... that he didn't want to get found because of the hate and blame he felt towards me. And now by pure chance, I just came to known that he didn't even know my reason.

I wasn't sure what was worse, to be kept in suspense or having a heart full of imputation of blame.

But maybe, it was fated. Zachary and me weren't teenagers anymore and this time there was no one whom I could use as an excuse to tell him about the circumstances of our parents death.

He still didn't respond something, but I knew that he was waiting for me to say something. Now, more than ever. That he still wasn't knowing my reason for my moving out made me even more afraid to talk about it with him though.

How would he react? Would he also think that it was my fault?

I thought Zachary was angry about that with me for the last nine years.

If I'd tell him about it that Mam and Dad's death was my fault, surely it would refrustrate him. Maybe he would get angry again. He'd probably hate me... I was afraid of his reaction coz I knew however it will be, it would make a change between us.

A change for the rest of our lifes.


Would I be able to bear his reaction? 

"There is a reason," I finally uttered. "But I can't talk about it already Blade. Would you please give me a little more time?"

I looked at him
apologetically. I just didn't know how I could bear his reaction in my current state and hoped for a little more patience from him. The imagination to tell him that they died because of my fault still gave me stomachaches.

He let out a heavy sigh. "
I know that you have something to tell me of which you aren't ready for yet. I'm willing to wait for you Taylor. Just don't keep me in suspense forever Mister Mysterious, coz honestly, I can't tell how long I can wait."

So he felt it already. Somehow, it suprised and not suprised me at the same time. I knew that he was waiting for my apologize so long already, but at the same time I didn't expect that he would be the first one who'd touch that subject to remind me of it. I sensed how much he was waiting for it.

"I understand that. I won't keep you in suspense forever. I promise." I assured him, I knew now that I owed him not only an apologize, I owed him an explanation about what exactly happened back then. For sure, I couldn't
always use my fragility as an excuse to not talk about the happenings with him. I had to talk about the facts which were associated with their death with him, no matter if I could bear his reaction or not.

And I wanted to tell him about it. Very soon.

"Do you want to get shaved now?" He wanted to know.

"Yeah," I quickly agreed, thankful about his understanding.

After he made sure that Bandito was alright, we went out of his car again. The moment I stepped out of it, I suddenly felt how weak my body had become. I couldn't avoid a little sway and tried to find balance, but my legs almost gave in.


I gripped onto the handle of the car door at my left side and held onto it for support.

What was going on with me?

"Is everything ok with you?" I felt Zac's hand on my arm before I even realized that I'd started to move it.

"Yes. Don't worry. That'll go off all alright," I muttered, although I wasn't even sure if that was honest. "I... uhm just feel a little dizzy."


"Take my arm and latch on me if you need to!" He offered me helpfully.

"Thanks Blade, but I don't think it will be necessary. I'm alright and can walk on my own. We can go." I gave him a little smile, in hope it would convince him. I just had to be more delicate and careful with my steps. Still, I was glad to be not alone in case my strength would leave me.

I honestly didn't expect that feeling drained and the lack of food would weaken me that fast. But I didn't want to think or talk about it.

Currently, I just couldn't be considerate of my cardiovascular system, I had to put focus on the things ahead of me like Zachary said. I braced myself somehow, although I didn't know if I was still able to hide my weakness. I actually felt more safe with someone at my side. As if Blade read my thoughts he moved close to my side, walking protectively beside me. His dark brown eyes were always alert and determined under his thick dark brown eyebrows.

"I'm your leader. Stay close." He said confidently
before we finally headed towards the East Entrance.

As I glanced over to Zac, who walked by my side wary like a watch dog, I noticed that he was in full concentration of what he was doing. This time, he walked closer next to me than before and I knew that he did it in preperation if I'd fall, that he would have a good grip on me if necessary.

It was an unusual feeling to be so well-protected.
Like it's a feeling experienced ages ago, years ago. The feeling itself is really ineffable. I can best describe it has a combination of wonder, and a strong feeling of innocence. The feeling of innocence is conflicted by a vague feeling of insecurity or helplessness. All this together isn't that much, but it comes with such a strange sense of familiarity. Like it is an emotion I haven't felt since childhood. Or perhaps it is the feeling of being a child...

Blade always paid attention to make me walk on the inside of the side walk and did not leave my side for one single second. Even though we haven't grown up together he bosses me around and acts like a big protective brother. He's naturally protective. When we walked, he always took the lead. A distinct reminder of how much my little brother dominated my life.

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It was like he was anticipating every movement that I did. He just watched every move. I thought back about his words when he reproached me that I was thinking he'd have an easy job. Yes, I couldn't say much about how skilled he was and how well trained a bodyguard would have to be to be able to protect someone.

Honestly, his job wouldn't be my cup of tea. I didn't know how to deal and handle with any kind of violence. That's just not who I was. I couldn't say how difficult Blade's job was to protect me.

When I walk around, I like to perceive every little detail of my surroundings and take pictures here and there. It doesn't mean that I am unconcentrated in my profession, but I just never want to miss a detail from the beauty of this world...

Blade couldn't let himself drift away and perceive the things in the same way like I did. He could never let his guard down when he was around me at any time.

How could I know how hard his job really was...?


I felt ashamed again as I realized that I might not make it by myself to the barber's shop and that my little brother was the only one who was there to help me in such a situation. Every time I saw Blade's manly and protective presence, I saw my failure reflected in his eyes. My helplessness made the anxious feeling in me even worse.

I didn't like it that Zachary experienced me in such a weak and vulnerable period of my life and I somehow hated myself for not being able to hide my weakness anymore. I regretted that my little brother saw me like that and I hated myself for not being able to stand up to him and get my way when I told him to leave me. Maybe I was just too gentle to be so assertive. In my old age I have found a soft spot in myself and I just think that the story has a lot of sweet things about it.

One part in my mind was shouting 'Go ahead, forget me.'


How could Zac get a good impression of me when everything he saw how helpless and defenseless I was without a bodyguard?

I didn't even care if I would get recognized from other people behind the sunglasses of which he told me to put on again shortly before we walked into the mall again. All I internally
prayed for was to not collapse again to not experience another embarrassing experience in front of my little brother. It would have been so demeaning for me. On the other hand it was still better than being without any protection in this situation. Was I spoiled and careless because of feeling this way?

Even though Zac treated me better now because he knew about my condition, I still felt that it was my task as his older brother to act as a model and not as someone who wasn't able to take care of himself. I didn't like the example I set for him.
I was so vulnerable and practically incapable of doing anything on my own about my problems.

I longed for to scream and to cry and didn't know what to do. I wanted to care about the matters which were ahead of me properly like I usually did and getting shaved belonged that, but then in the next moment I wasn't even sure anymore if they still mattered at all.
I really didn't know what I was going to do anymore. My mind was pretty messed up about everything. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I hated this feeling of not knowing what to do in life.

It's odd, I didn't think about killing myself anymore, I didn't want to give that impression, I just wished that I never existed in the first place. That my sorry state wouldn't be a burden on myself or anyone else anymore. I felt so beaten up my myself, so unable to perform basic human tasks that I felt like a failure of a human being. A waste of a man.

What was going on with me?

More and more it began to feel as if everything my spirit had ever been drawn to was slipping to be as far away as the sun itself. It felt like I was losing myself. I almost didn't even know myself anymore. My real life was slipping further and further away from me. And then I let my little brother taking care of me on top of that.

Could my situation become any more pathetic? What the hell was I doing?!?

The voice of reason in my head was rebuking me once again and made me feel so damn bad and guilty. I got depressed because I knew that I wasn't what I should be. I had no idea how to change my situation at that time and
why I just meekly complied with the whole situation. Maybe I knew, deep down inside, that I was overchallenged. Certainly I was no macho man and I didn't want to be one. There were some unsolved problems in my life with which I was overburdened and I was desperately searching for a solution but currently I just wasn't strong enough to carry all the responsibilities by myself.

On the other hand, I felt somewhat comforted that someone was watching over me at all times.
It always made me blush like a peony to think of the fact being protected by my little brother. I guess the real question is how I could let this happen to me? To tell the truth it wasn't that easy.

My helplessness was not the only thing that was worrying me. What if Zac's protection and guidance was exactly what I needed? What if I was more dependent on him than I was aware of?

Emotionally, this was a very difficult moment in my life.
Every time Zac skilfully arranged something for me I felt like a total pussy, today was no different and he was there to witness it. I knew it wasn't Zac's fault that I felt this way. As selfish as it may sound, I wanted him by my side even if he did a job which a little brother wasn't supposed to do. He looked so concentrated and had a very protective charisma, I actually was kind of fascinated by his acting...

On weak legs I walked the way through the main hall to the barber's salon with my protective little brother by my side. As my knees were shaking a little I stopped at a flower's shop. I needed some distraction and took some time to look at the window pane. It was decorated with all kinds of flowers and my eyes caught attention of some beautiful white roses. I felt a strange pain in my chest as they reminded me of my poor wife and my unborn baby again.

White roses as a sign of mourning...I have always loved white flowers. For me, they bring peace and serenity to every place.

Only a few days ago I was planning to have dinner with Nat and now I saw those flowers with which would her casket get adorned soon. I had told Skye to order many of them for the memorial ceremony. It was still hard for me to believe that they actually died. Everything happened so fast... if I'd have been at home at that time, who knows if I would have been able to protect them? Maybe I would have been killed as well...


I sucked a deep breath and released it harshly. My life turned to the opposite course in the past few days. Even though Natalie was not the best companion, she was still my other half and she was gone now with my child... My child...

Gosh, it did lacerate my heart every time I thought about them... How I’d be able to get over it?

Everything I've loved, became everything I lost...

I didn’t know how long I stood there, looking at the white roses and pitied myself about my situation. I felt so broken, and couldn't help to let myself wallowing in despair from the lost of my family. So many things had happened, and they were not over yet, I barely had the chance to mourn peacefully.


It was taking all I had in me to withhold the strong pain in my chest slowly engulfing me and to keep the tears from spilling over. I was preoccupied in my thoughts as a little girl came out of the flower's shop towards us, carrying a colorful bouquet of flowers in her hand. She stopped as she was standing directly in front of us.

"Hi Taylor" she greeted me sweetly and looked up to me with big blue eyes. I gave Zachary a short glance that he wouldn't intermeddle again all of a sudden. Thankfully, he responded with a short nod this time. It was obvious that she already knew me. But her polite greeting made me at eased.
As I just got recognized anyway, I didn't see sense anymore in wearing shades and took them off. I squatted down in front of the little girl and asked her about her name.

"My name is Isabelle," she told me.

"Hi Isabelle, how are you?"

"Fine. I heard that your girlfriend died."

I swallowed, but tried to remain calm. I didn't expect that I would have to face such a situation that soon. But before I could think about it if I was ready to deal with it or not, she reached out her little hand and handed the bouquet of flowers to me.

"These are for you Taylor," she said with a smile on her face. She wore a yellow hairbow in her blond curls and some cute baby pink nail polish on her little fingers.

"Y-You want to give them to me?" I asked, hesitating.

"Yes they are a present for you Taylor. And I hope you will be happy again soon and make more music."

"How sweet and enchanting of you Isabelle. I love flowers. Thank you very much for this lovely flower bouquet." I took the flowers and smiled back at her.


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"Would it be like horribly awkward and considered overstepping my boundaries if I asked you for a hug?" She squeezed, looking insecure alternating between Zac and me.

"Of course not!" I answered, leaned in and pulled her into a hug.


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"Thank you for the flowers Isabelle, they're gorgeous."

She smiled even bigger now as I let go off her and even made a curtsey. "You're very welcome. It was nice to meet you. Bye Taylor."

"It was lovely to meet you as well. Bye Isabelle."




She waved her hand and hopped back into the flowers job as I stood up again.

The little experience touched me in a good way. I've been uncertain about my fans' reactions to my tour cancel. Eventually, it was the first time that I canceled a tour. I wasn't sure if there were fans which were mad with me because of that. All I knew was that fans can be moody, especially if you disappoint them. Good thing to know not all of them were mad with me.

"You are pretty good with children." Zachary, who didn't say anything as yet, finally responded to the scene.

"You think so?" I never really thought about it to be honest. Being polite and gentle was just how I am...

"Any damn fool can see that!"

There was it again, Zachary's ruthless candor which I missed over the last years.

I looked at him with a bashful smile as he complimented me. "That is very flattering." I chewed on my lower lip and hesitated a short moment before I continued. "Is your offer to guide me to the barber's shop still valid, Mr. Caziano?" I enquired shyly, absently twirling the bouquet in my hand. For the first time I approached my brother by using his code name because I wanted to test how it felt like. I believed it would lessen the awkward feeling inside of me and it actually happened, but still, I couldn't really say if it was right.

Meanwhile, I felt so limp that I even was contemplating for a moment to change my mind about getting shaved. However, to appear unshaved in front of my in laws just didn't seem appropriate to me.

"Yes of course." Zac immediately held out his arm for me.

I tried not to think about how akward it must have been for both of us and hoped he would forgive me. Gratefully, I tucked my arm
in a almost ladylike manner into his and walked with him together the rest of the way. Zac's support actually helped me to have a better balance and it wasn't that worse how I thought it would be. I was holding a bouquet of purple flowers in one hand and my other rested upon Zachary's elbow. Actually, it didn't feel weird at all. He could be a chivalric gentleman when he wanted to be. Hesitantly but also a little curious about the new, unknown feeling I leaned at my security guard like he was my big brother, somehow there was something very charming about it.

Distracted at the thought, I smelled at Isabelle's flowers, breathing deeply of the pastel-colored roses and lilies with a feminine grace I wasn't aware of. They were so beautiful, I loved their sweet floral scent...



Aren't pastel colors some of the most beautiful colors? They are so soft and unobtrusive...

It's always nice to get reminded that people haven't forgotten you and thought of you even in your hardest times. A small gift and a hug can have a great meaning for a person in such a time...

As we arrived at the barber's shop, my anxiety was rising as I saw some of the employees inside through the window pane. I just didn't want to get stared at by other people in my current state.

Zachary moved gallantly to my side and opened the door for me. Somehow, I felt so girly around him. He treated me like a princess with his steady holding the door open for me habit, although I hadn't even deserved to get treated that way, all the more not by him.
But that trifle wasn't worth it to bring up another discussion. I knew that he was just trying to do his job right and I didn't want him to think that I didn't appreciate his efforts. Besides that, I liked Zac's chivalric side and being treated as an elegant person that I am.

"I already made the arrangement, you'll have a relaxing makeover today without worry. You just need to go inside and get your shave done!" He informed me as I hesitated to go inside.

I already figured that barber's shops and clothes boutique's didn't match Zachary's circle of interest. With his black leather jacket and the dark sunglasses he somehow really looked like a bodyguard.

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His outfit didn't really have a style, but he obviously didn't care about it.

When he was younger, Zachary also had other interests than clothes and styling. While Zac has always been into movies, videogames and playing with all kinds of guns and swords I was more interested in taking pictures, cooking and styling. So it didn't really surprise me when he called my visit a makeover. I believe he wasn't even aware of his sarcasm. Apparently, that was still just the way he was.

For my own part, I also wasn't here because I was in the mood to pretty up myself. But a neat appearance was just a matter of course for me.
It's true that people often mistook me as a girl even though I never tried to look like one. Compared to many others, I surely could be described as a girly man. Not only because of my androgynous look and soft facial features, I just naturally like everything beautiful and I also like to dress up myself with fancy and refined clothes. Some things just make me feel cute and a little feminine. Sometimes clothing does, or other things like my delicate facial features, my curvy lips and eyebrows and my rosey cheeks. Silly things, like my waistline being small, even my blond hair and my smooth milky and silky skin. I know it's not a shameful thing to be in touch with your feminine side as long as it makes you feel good about yourself.

For me it's all about what is in my heart...


"Hey floret princess, the stuff is waiting for your appearance." Zachary waved his hand in front of my dreamy expression; he was still holding the door open for me as I was distracted from my daydreams.

"Yeah?" I winced a little as I snapped back in to reality.


"Are you all right? You seem a little tense."

"I was just daydreaming for a moment."

"That's what I figured. Are you ready?"

"Um yeah... can I please get your opinion about something before we go inside Blade?"

"About what?"

"Um... I hope this doesn't sound inappropriate to you in my situation but I just don't feel comfortable if I may appear messy to other people. Do you think I look fine?" Even though I wore a new perfectly tight-fitting suit and my hair looked fine too, I was worrying that not eating for several days made me look exhausted and messy like I felt.

"Jeeze Taylor, don't fucking ask me girly shit like that!" Zac popped my elegant dream bubble with a pop.

"Oh my gosh does that mean I look messy?" I asked in a subdued tone and shifted my lower lip like I always when I was about to start sulking. Usually my manager and stylist Skye went shopping and to the barber's shop with me. He was always mindful of my appearance. Blade wasn't really a help in this case. I assumed I expected too much from him, he was my brother and my bodyguard after all and not my stylist.

"No the fuck! Now stop fishing for compliments, coz you look pretty as always. Let's go inside now before it's too late."

That made me smile a little. Blade's compliment was better than nothing.


"Okay okay. I'm ready and will follow your lead. Thanks sir." I said to him softly, leaning toward him appreciatively.

"You're welcome gentle brother."  He answered before he led me into the salon.

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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
inspiration video for this Chapter:

Taylor Hanson - Kiss from a rose by Seal


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